Saturday, December 31, 2005

NEW YEAR RE-CAP: of the last three weeks

In the spirit of endless New Year re-caps dominating the intranot and VH1, we thought we'd do one covering the last three weeks of pop. We could have done the whole year but can't be bothered and it's never that interesting, or fun. So here we go:

1. We bought Girls Aloud's new album and it's fantastic, forcing us to eat our hats and go back on our words stating that they may have "lost it a bit". We've been listening to the intro of Biology over and over and have decided it is possibly the best pop intro of 2005. It's unfortunately still all downhill from then on, but the rest of the album makes up for it.

And that is that! Three weeks which, you'll agree, reflect the general state of pop in 2005: IN NEED OF A GOOD LOLLY SURGE. Here's to hoping Kylie comes back with something great in 2006, happy new year.

SPUNK xx

ps. SPUNK HQs are relocating to North London, we will therefore be inactive until we have the Telewest man round. You can feast on our archives whilst we're gone. x

Friday, December 30, 2005

SORRY: one thousand Madonnas!!!

This is the artwork for Madonna's new single Sorry:
Or maybe it's this, we're not quite sure:

SPUNK SPINS: Debbie Harry sings in french! badly!


1. Hi_Tack - Say Say Say

2. Girls Aloud - Watch Me Go

3. Jose Gonzales - Heartbeats

4. Blondie - Denis

5. Daft Punk - Make Love

Wednesday, December 28, 2005

RICHARD ASHCROFT COMPETITION: results

Dearest SPUNK readers, here are the three finalists for our amazing DESIGN YOUR OWN RICHARD ASHCROFT CD SLEEVE competition:

David Roper from New York submitted this little gem. Superb! However, David, a keen eye will no doubt notice you used the popular Tahoma font to write the name of the artist and the album's imaginative title, when we quite specifically asked for Times New Roman. No harm done, but read the guidelines carefully next time.

Sven Roock from Sweden sent us this impressive design. A personal favourite of ours and potential winner, had it not been for the inexplicable green rectangle located in the picture's background. Sven, nowhere does it state in our '9 easy-step guide' that the picture should contain a green rectangle! I mean, what is this, a PetShopBoys cd sleeve competition?! No it is not.

Laura Burrows from Wales, congratulations. A no-brainer: the picture is breathtaking, the font is right, and there are no green shapes of any form in the background. Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner.

Sunday, December 25, 2005

HAPPY BIRTHDAY: mimi's 17th

Mariah has recently celebrated her 17th Number 1 single in America with Don't Forget About Us, according to their Billboard Piping Hot 674 Countdown, or some nonesuch chart they have out there. It's a big deal as only the The Beatles have scored more number ones in the States.

We at SPUNK aren't too sure whether that's a good thing, as she is clearly a vile creature of insanely bloated proportions, yet we seem to have most of her albums on our iPods, and we're somewhat eternally greateful for the mental phase and suicide attempts that followed Glitter, as well as the hilarious string of sex-crazed outfits and poses in her recent videos and public appearances. (£1 to whoever can find a screen-cap of her leg over the swimming-pool in the video for Don't Forget About Us).

Mimi, you vile, vile thing; we hate to love you.

KEVIN FEDERLINE: never judge a book

This is leaving us rather speechless: http://www.kevinfederline.com/

Friday, December 23, 2005

WE DON'T UNDERSTAND WILL'S NEW VIDEO

What on earth is it meant to be about? A homage to Cuban liberation in which William plays Che Guevara? An assembled string of slow long-shots and close-ups of people wearing strange veils? A retro, sexually ambiguous revisiting of The Dreamers? It seems Will struggles to get both videos and songs right at the same time.

PINK: "I'm not dead"

"Pink is so over", "Isn't she a man in drag?", "She's such a clit-tease". Hush we say! The gayest straight girl in Pop (who used to be RnB and now kinda Rock etc get over it) is B. A. C. K. with a new album called I'm Not Dead - do you see? Because she's been out of the limelight for a while people might have assumed she was dead. Well she's not. Good.

She's shot two videos for two different songs for the first single, cuz she couldn't decide which song she liked best or some nonsense, but either way it will not be a double a-side. Repeat NOT A DOUBLE A-SIDE. One song is called You And Your Hand, which is about men feeling girls up in clubs (Pink is so strong and independent, we just know she won't stand for that) and the other song, Stupid Girl, spoofs the young, superficial Hollywood, Hilton-style girls (Pink is so strong and independent, we just know etc).

This is all good news. Not as good news as, say, Britney or Christina being back with new material but good none-the-less.

SPUNK COMPETITION: make your own Richard Ashcroft cd sleeve!

Dear readers, we urge you to partake in our very first online competition. It is called: MAKE YOUR OWN RICHARD ASHCROFT CD SLEEVE! Interactive! To do so, simply take a look at Rich's amazing album cover for forthcoming lp Keys To The World:

Inspired yet? Thought so. Well, in order to help you on your way to free artistic expression, just follow our '9 easy-step guide' to MAKING YOUR OWN RICHARD ASHCROFT CD SLEEVE:

Step 1: Take a picture of yourself walking down a street

Step 2: Write 'Richard Ashcroft Keys To The World' in the top, left-hand corner in Times New Roman

Step 3: oh...

Step 9: Congratulations! You're a talented album sleeve designer earning millions from trendy commissions!! Fantastic.

Now send us your masterpieces to spunkmagazine@hotmail.co.uk and we promise to post the best ones very soon. Get creative!

THEFT: the greatest form of flattery

SPUNK SPINS: la la land


What we've been loving this week at SPUNK HQ...

1. Green Velvet - La La Land

2. The Ones - Flawless (radio vocal edit)

3. Will Young - Home

4. West End Girls - West End Girls

5. Beyonce - Check On It

Thursday, December 22, 2005

SHAYNE WARD: that's my goat!

In other pop News, Shayne Ward has rather predictably won The X Factor. His first single That's My Goal has hit the shelves today and is very rubbish, in fact possibly worse than most Westlife songs (although the recent ones have been slightly more bareable, maybe they're getting better, maybe we're bored of being so damn negative about them oh i dunno etc.) Our favourite bits on the last few X Factor shows were 1) when everybody started crying about bins and mums, and 2) when Kate Thornton said to Andy, as he picked up the remains of his pride as runner up of the ITV competition, that he "may be a bin-man, but you're certainly not rubbish". What a cunt. Hip Hip Chin Chin for this year's X FACTOR!!!!! Almost as good as Pop Idol 1.

UPDATE! Click here: http://entertainment.msn.co.uk/music/musicvideos5/Default.asp for an exclusive look at Shayne Ward's new video. Now that's what we call a video. It has slow-motion bits where Shayne auditions for the show, having no idea whatsoever about the incredible journey he is about to embark on, and a particularly amazing slow-motion bit where Kate Thornton announces he wozzZZZZZzzzz zzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzz

SUGABABES: Amelle Berrabah

According the Popjustice.co.uk (a fair reference allows for one to rip off shamelessly), this young lady serves as replacement for Mutya Sugababes, who has officially left the band today. This is very sad news as we're clearly still bleeding from Siobhan's departure 12 years ago, but kind of exciting at the same time as the 'Babes need a bit of new blood after this year's yankee-bum-chum Taller In More Ways.

Her name is Amelle Berrabah, she looks a bit like Mutya (which is great cuz another white girl would have sucked - sorry Heidi), she seems to have funny eyes and lips but that could be the badly photoshopped picture, or maybe that's just how she looks WE JUST DON'T KNOW AT THIS VERY EARLY STAGE.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

COLIN MURRAY: likes 'em fresh

Hear Radio Coldplay's Colin Murray claiming to be fond of fondling his 14 year-old neighbour's boobs, seconds before a Newsbeat report of a peadophile arrested on grounds of assaulting a twelve year-old girl: http://www.themailout.co.uk/audio/colinedith.mp3

Friday, December 16, 2005

VICTORIA BECKHAM: tickles poo bay

Finally! Skeletor has found her niche from which to amass millions and earn the respect of her peers, family and press:

http://www.rowanlea.com/novelties/x-wipes/facesforfeces/poshwipes.html

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

SPUNK MAGAZINE: ghost town

Yeah sorry it's been pretty dead lately. There has been a terrible, terrible fire at SPUNK towers and we're trying to salvage all our belongings. Our office cat died in the blaze, which is very sad and we're kinda depressed about the whole affair... Not really. Back very soon!

SPUNK xx

Saturday, December 03, 2005

DEAR EMINEM: curtain call

Dear Eminem,
Please stop writing whingey songs about how much being a rap star is keeping you away from your daughter Hailie. "Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for? Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?".

We will happily cut all our limbs off and fedex them to you if you promise to go back to the light-hearted nature of your former glories. Not that 'Ass Like That' was much to listen to, but if you're going to be on Mtv 24/7 we'd rather hear you cash in on the immaturity which has made you so popular with spotty GCSE-ers the world over.

And anyway, if you're so concerned about your daughter's well-being then stop riding around limos with under-aged strippers, release a greatest hits cd with a really dull cover that looks exactly like your last two albums, and quit the industry for good. And by 'for good' we mean of course keep producing other artists like there's no tomorrow, embark on countless side-projects with nu-metal idiots in the style of Jaz-y, only to come back with a new outrageously original rap persona when the 'sleeping pills' money has finally dried out.

Good luck with all your future endeavours, however predictable they may be, and thank you for The Marshall Mathers LP.

SPUNK xx

Friday, December 02, 2005

Q-UNIT: 50cent is a big queen


Click: http://members.home.nl/visionx/
Bootlegs are back! SPUNK is particularly fond of 'Bohemian Wanksta'.

Thursday, December 01, 2005

SPUNK SPINS: Alannah Myles rocks

What we've been 'buying' online and listening to this week at SPUNK:

1. Alannah Myles - Black Velvet

2. Girls Aloud - See The Day

3. Kanye West - Heard Em Say

4. Gorillaz - Kids With Guns

5. Charlotte Church - Even God Can't Change The Past (most amazing Charlotte Church song title ever)

SIOBHAN DONAGHY: we heart you so much

In our eternal quest for obsolete information regarding our favourite ginger belle, we stumbled across a really appalling, streaming, 3-parter interview from 2004! Click the link below and see a very beautiful Siobhan discuss her leaving Sugababes, her depression, her boyfriend, the meaning behind the song title 'Iodine' (finally!), and how she has twelve aunts and uncles. Twelve!

http://www.chatshow.net/Interviews/interview.aspx?interviewID=48

PS. Special SPUNK credits going out to the monstrous Essex car-crash of an interviewer employed by the good people at chatshow.net and her ridiculous plastic board she forces poor Siobhan to sign at the end.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

THE HOFF COVERS MADGE: dear God let this be true

From contactmusic.com:

"Former Knight Rider star David Hasselhoff is planning to release a cover of Madonna's 1980s hit single La Isla Bonita. The actor, whose singing talents made him a huge star in Germany, decided to release his latest single for public consumption after being pleased with the outcome after recording it. He says, "It's the one track that gets talked about by my fans, so why not"- "

SPUNK'S AMAZING E-CARDS: now available!



Tuesday, November 29, 2005

DEBBIE HARRY: before bras were invented

Goddess. She is a Goddess.

X FACTOR'S SHAYNE WARD: embarrassing school picture

Parents! Don't drown your unsightly children!! Shayne Ward is proof that ugly kids often make for attractive adults.

SUGABABES: an investigation

First thing's first: Sugababes are an excellent uk pop band, without which the uk pop scene would be a wobbly wobbler. Their 'blend' of intelligent, sexy, urban-pop-music-that-sounds-a-bit-like-dance-music, mixed with their too-cool-for-school attitude and NO SMILES policy secured our interest from the early stages of their career. But as time goes on and the girls grow taller in more ways, we ask: are the albums as good as they used to be? We investigate.

Their amazing first album One Touch was recorded when the girls were only four years old! And it's bloody brilliant. With songs written about their mums, growing up and various sugary fancies of early So Solid estate boys, highlights include first single Overload, title-track One Touch and Look At Me. A definite winner that gets a full 5 Ticks from SPUNK MAGAZINE (one extra Ginger Tick for the Siobhan factor).

Back with a new line-up (boo), Sugababes storm the charts with first single Freak Like Me, which sampled a bunch of other songs in the then very trendy bootleg fashion. Fantastic! Freak was a true pop gem, accompanied by a 'gritty' Sophie Muller video, where the girls play urban vampiresses who seduce So Solid estate boys and kill them, after Keisha and Mutya beat up new band-member Heidi. Besides Freak Like Me, highlights from Angels With Dirty Faces include excellent pop ballad Stronger, Destiny's Child-esque Switch and second single Round Round. Four well deserved Green Ticks.

Third album Three proved just as successful as its predecessor. (Just like its predecessor, however, Three lacked a certain Siobhan quality that we shan't dwell on). First single Hole In The Head was possibly their catchiest to date, subtly sampling previous uk number 1 hit Wamdue Project's King Of My Castle. With sightings of the video for Hole In The Head on America's TRL, the girls and their cash-thirsty team of promoters began what could possibly mark the beginning of a US-focussed strategy that proved detrimental to the Babes' s pop ingenuity. Catastrophe! Highlights from Three include the truly outstanding Situation's Heavy, the slow grower Caught In A Moment and the very dramatic Too Lost In You (who could possibly forget Keisha's bursting "Baby, baby, BAAAAAAAAABY" towards the end of the song). However great an album, some argued that Three contained several fillers. A diagnosis previously avoided on the first two albums... Four Green Ticks.

2005's Taller In More Ways followed on the girls' aforementioned American interest generated by Hole In The Head. Largely produced by Dallas Austin (responsible for many TLC and Blu Cantrell bores), the album lacks the uk grit of their previous 'records'. Highlights are stomper It Ain't Easy, sweet Christina-sings-Beautiful-esque Ugly and brilliant first single Push The Button... but what of the rest of the CD? Well unfortunately not much can be said, besides perhaps that its obvious appeal is geared at Friends-watching, GAP-wearing, pop-hating, hiphop/rnb-compensate-loving Americans with no clue of the true genius contained in those 3.5 British girls. Three Green Ticks resting largely on previous glories.

We at SPUNK can only hope that Sugababes will abandon their quest to conquer the US market, and come back to their genius uk roots. Where they belong. Slightly misunderstood, and always delicious.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

HUNG UP: the making of

Check out the really quite amazing behind-the-scenes making of Madonna's video for Hung Up by clicking the link below. Also, don't forget the hour-long interview with Dermot tonight, 11.05pm, Channel4.

SPUNK xx

http://video.msn.com/v/en-ca/v.htm?g=97c6b07d-2b34-4600-ac9d-bed4684cbadc,987bad13-51a6-45f2-802e-163c7d48fb04&t=c317&f=37/81&p=ENCAmusic_ENCAvideos

MARY-KATE & ASHLEY: ghv2

Greatest Hits? Volume 2? When did this happen?
Clearly us Brits have a lot to learn from the American's far-reaching, capitalist peado market.

Saturday, November 26, 2005

TAKE THAT: "it's now or never" - Mark

Following the roaring success of their recent cringe-fest ITV documentary, Take That have decided to regroup and go on a stadium tour! They're asking for £1.5 million each for this live trip down memory lane, which is a bit much really, but it would allow for Howard to go back to school and finally pass his GCSEs.

Friday, November 25, 2005

GWEN STEFANI: fuck. off.


"Hi! It's Gwen! Harajuku!!!! lol!!! On the 5th of December, I will be releasing the 74th single from my amazing album 'Love. Angel. Music. Baby.' OUT NOW!!! It's really cool and poptatstic, with enough hiphop/RnB to fool the yanks into buying my tihs - that's 'shit' spelt backwards! Like on my anthemic song 'Hollaback Girl'!! Remember?? HARAJUKU Y'ALL!!!!!! Anyway, the new song's called 'Luxurious' and it's got a rap on it. A rap! Like when I collaborated with Eve! That's because I'm so into like, bridging the gap between different music genres, and not whore myself to every single market to ensure my tihs appeals to everyone so i can make millions and endlessly release fillers from my rather quite ropey debut solo album!!! OUT NOW!!!!!!!!!"


Disclaimer: 'Luxurious' does not feature the gap-bridging rap on the album 'Love.Angel.Music.Baby', cause, well we didn't think we'd release so much material from one album and when it came to it, we thought we'd better buff it up a bit. OUT NOW!!!!etc

SPUNK SPINS: Soulwax are from Belgium!


Mostly oldies this week... and not a lot of pop :(

1. The Strokes - Juicebox

2. Sufjan Stevens - John Wayne Gacy Jr

3. Soulwax - Much Against Everyone's Advice

4. Will Young - I Love You More Than You'll Ever Know

5. Alex Kid - Esmeralda

Thursday, November 24, 2005

LOUIS WALSH: quits the X Factor

Louis Walsh has walked out of the X Factor. Tired of being bullied and abused for the idiot that he is, Louis leaves poor Shayne Ward to fend for himself in the ITV competition.

This latest drama surrounding the show follows a string of scandalous turns of events (Maria getting the boot over The Bellefire Sisters, Sharon throwing water over Louis, Sharon offering something "warm, moist and fuzzy" to Shayne, Shayne's dad being a convicted rapist, etc), which all serve to cement this year's X Factor as one of 2005's best television programs. Hurrah.

UPDATE: Louis Walsh has not walked out of the X Factor. Not fully tired of being bullied and abused for the idiot that he is, Louis hasn't left poor Shayne Ward to fend for himself in the ITV competition. This was not a publicity stunt.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

BRITNEY AND CHILD: absolutely no reason not to record a new album!

KATE MOSS: what on earth is she doing?

See the Gak Widow pogo topless and, as it were, off her tits to 'Sheena Is A Punk Rocker' by The Ramones:

http://www.showstudio.com//2005/11/16/kate_moss_400300.mov

UPDATE: It appears the incriminating evidence that Kate spends most of her breathing time completely off her face has been taken off the internet. For those of you who didn't get to see it, there was a very funny bit where she literally smashes her head into a fan. Nevermind.

CHRISTINA GETS MARRIED: mazel tov

Yes, but when is the new album coming out?

BRITNEY'S REMIX ALBUM: writer's block

The remix album is an odd thing. Packaged to entice foolish fans into thinking they're acquiring something new (unless of course the artwork on the cover is a Photoshopped rehash from 2001), these revisited collections of songs often indicate pressure from an artist's record label to just release something. Anything.

Considering that Britney's last two releases before 'B' were a random pregnancy single ('Someday') and a Greatest Hits, we can only assume that Mrs Federline suffers from a terrible, terrible case of writer's block. And don't go sending us angry emails arguing that she's just had a child, "which would obviously slow down her pop productivity". To this, we would argue that Madonna, heavily pregnant, recorded the video for 'Music' and embarked on a world tour a matter of weeks after popping Rocco out.

This said, SPUNK has just 'bought' track 4 of 'B In The Mix', which is a Thin White Duke (Stuart Price) take on 'Breathe On Me', and it's rather good. But is it better than the already excellent original? Is it? Is it though?

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

MADONNA: hot pants worship

A nice picture of Madge from Saturday night's London gig.

ROBBIE WILLIAMS: why Sharleen?

It all started so well with 'Tripping' being the little pop pleasure no one expected, carried on smoothly with a fairly entertaining live performance of new album 'Intensive Care' from Germany, and ended perfectly with the usual handful of fluff documentaries on all music channels. With a number 1 single and album to be proud of, Robbie Williams' promo campaign was successful! Until now.

Not only is his next single ('Advertising Space') a ballad, it's a really bloody dull one. But, guess what! The video is really bloody dull too! And why on earth, out of all the music icons he could have chosen to impersonate in this 3-minute bore-a-thon, did he choose Texas' Sharleen Spiteri?

Monday, November 21, 2005

SCREECHY SCREECH: cake boy?

As we exclusively revealed in our previous post, Will Young's new single went in at number 5 in yesterday's charts. "Not bad!", you might think. Well no, actually it's pretty dire.

Especially considering the little fortune SONY BMG spent promoting big chin as Great Britain's answer to Robbie Williams, with ridiculous "only 2 days to go!!!" TV teaser ads and an equally ridiculous double-sided cd containing the new album on side A, and Charlie Chaplin-esque comedy sketches (?!) on side B.

Fortunately, every cloud has its silver lining, and Will's new single 'All Time Love' is a little beaut that is sure to see him back at the top of the charts, and in the hearts of gays and middle-aged housewives the nation over! Fantastic!

FERGIE: the boys they wanna sex her

CHART NEWS! Highest new entry goes to Black Eyed Peas with 'My Humps' at number 3. We still like the song, but we're a bit grossed out by Fergie's nails in the video. Screechy Schreecherson's screechy 'Switch It On' went in at a disappointing number 5, behind The Aloud at number 4, Westlife at number 2 and Madonna at number 1 for the second week running. Hurrah! Over on the albums chart, Simon Webbe's 'Sanctuary' went in at number 28 (hahaha) and Madonna's 'Confessions On A Dance Floor' is number one... Hurrah!

Sunday, November 20, 2005

X FACTOR: it is apparently Chico time

Yes, it's him.

JORDAN & PETER: children in need

Our televisions, and indeed our little hearts, couldn't quite contain themselves and literally BLEW UP when Jordan and Peter Andre took the stage for Friday night's Children In Need. We therefore missed their rendition of 'A Whole New World' and can only pray to God that it will be released as a single in time for Christmas!

In other Children In Need news: Madonna wore the same hilarious dress she wore in Paris a week ago, read the donation's phone number wrong and then insisted she hadn't. Liberty X made us feel a bit sorry for them as their pending pop doom is clearly imminent, "yes but they're still doing better than Hearsay" etc. Melanie C popped in with some Canadian, sang flat and got the words wrong but we still like her.

Thursday, November 17, 2005

SPUNK SPINS: dacing queen


There would be absolutely no point in us denying we've been listening to anything else this week:

1. Madonna - Get Together

2. Madonna - Sorry

3. Madonna - Push

4. Madonna - Jump

5. Madonna - Everybody (the KoKo remix)

MELANIE C: tops the singles charts! ...

... in Germany and Switzerland!

Go to the site below, click 'music & video', click 'First Day Of My Life', and marvel at the Germans' superior taste in pop music.

http://www.melaniec.net/

ROBBIE WILLIAMS SELF-DESTRUCTS: irony?

"As I settle down to compose this, a missive from the darkest pit of my twisted soul, it occurs to me how ironic (HA! I hate that word! But how very useful it has been for me over the years) it is that here I am, poised to reveal my real and very blackest thoughts for the very first time...

Once I had connived my way into The Gary Barlow Sing-A-Roony Roadshow and forced them to change their name to the far more apocalyptic Take That... my plan could begin. I quickly began to undermine the hapless Barlow's confidence with my hard-won singing and dancing skills, while simultaneously courting the affections of the media by appearing to shout my mouth off at every given opportunity. It pleased me to see him cry like a girl about it.

Quick as a flash, I launched [into the next] phase, which involved deserting my Gollum-y bandmates (more crying, to my eternal delight), following some troglodyte 'rock' band around for a while and pretending to become insensible on various chemicals. Then I simply ceased the pretence of inebriation, and instructed my media underlings to describe the change as a stint in 'rehab'. And voila! A wave of public sympathy that has carried me from that moment onward.

Naturally, I have done my best to test this support, for what evil genius can hold himself back from tinkering with the forces that hold him aloft? But as yet I cannot seem to shake the monster I have created in my own image. I have appeared to strip down to my very skeleton on prime-time television, and nobody minded. I have commissioned tattoo artists to scrawl endless nonsense all over my body, thus ruining the scupltured body that attracted the masses to my side in the first place. They merely requested I refrain from wearing a vest. I have complained endlessly to the press about 'the pressure of fame', 'why I can't find true love' and 'the hollowness of casual sex', and not ONE person has taken me to one side and suggested I shut the hell up.

It is at this point that I must admit to a painful truth. I have no idea how to make these fevered idiots leave me alone. I tried living in America, tried making records that their grandparents would approve of, tried appearing to be a sexually over-driven hump-dog backstage at the greatest humanitarian concert of the modern era, and everyone still loves me. I honestly believe I could crush a baby rabbit under my heel and the ravening meat-heads would STILL refer to me as 'cheeky'.

Which is why I have decided to finally come clean. End this charade, and put the character of 'Robbie Williams' to bed so that I can continue with my life's work. Namely to make the ENTIRE HUMAN RACE CRY! LIKE GIRLS!! Don't say you haven't been warned..."