BRITNEY'S BACK ON FORM AND LOOKING HOT

FUCK NERINA PALLOT AND SANDI THOM

"Hi it's Nerins and Sands! We've recorded two really wicked albums for you to enjoy. We did everything ourselves on our laptops in some East London basement and now they're available in Sainsbury's, along with Jade, My Autobiography.

Hey, you can also download them online - it's cool actually cos we think the internet is like, a really great way to share and stuff. Anyway, we've just returned from the Gambia and we've still got little colourful dreads in our hair (as well as flowers! - Sandi) and we also got loads of lovely hand-stitched handbags & purses for our female friends, who we once went down on at Uni but let's not go into that one just yet!! So, basically right, we think war is really awful and we hope that maybe, just maybe, with enough tribal beeds round our necks we might be able to make a difference."

WHAT ARE THE PET SHOP BOYS DOING WITH THAT GIRL?

Hang about... it's not the Pet Shop Boys at all! It's PALEDAY!!

Paleday are good because they don't record political songs about the evil doings of Tony Blair and that American one with his eyes too close together, they sing about having a good time and cool party people and cruising.

We have never been on a cruise ourselves, but you know what, we might just book one online right bloody now! That's the kind of influence Paleday could have on your lives, dearest readers. Do check out their MySpace page and official website.

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

Siobhan Donaghy's back!

HOW TO RUIN A BEAUTIFUL DAY

We're having a wonderful afternoon tidying the office and listening to The Hits digital radio, when suddenly... what's this? A U2 song on our favourite station? Oh well, best get up and flick over to 1Xtra (oh dear!). But wait, Bono's usual death drone seems to be layered with a familiar female voice. Who could this be? A backing singer trying to make a name for herself? No, no it's definitely someone we recognise... and loathe. She's - she's doing gospel on an old U2 song... it's, IT'S MARY J BLIGE!! TURN IT OVER BLOODY TURN IT OVER NOW

MIMI TURNS 36: riiight

Still harvesting the attention gathered from her latest 'comeback album' like a crackhead on the lookout for cheap smack, Mariah was recently spotted out and about (jeans firmly tucked in boots) celebrating her 36th birthday. Now, call us cynical, but hasn't girlfriend been in her mid-30s for about two decades? She certainly looks like it. We miss the days of Charm Bracelet ("of what?" - exactly), when no one bought her music and she totally lost the plot.

JOURNEY SOUTH: are so beige

WILL YOUNG'S NEW VIDEO: "refreshing"

"It's so refreshing to see an artist not take themselves too seriously and coming up with really quite imaginative concepts for their pop promos, rather than the egocentric nonsense found in so many of today's videos. Ooh not so sure about the 60s hair though! But what do I know - I'm just a young housewife with two children hoping neither of them will turn out queer. Now where's that darn garlic press?"

Watch Who Am I here.

SPUNK SPINS: james and corinne can f off

This week, providing a controversial alternative to James Clunt and Corinne Bailey Bore!

1. Jentina - Mysterious

2. Fallout Boy - Dance Dance

3. Kate Bush - Sunset

4. Hot Chip - Over & Over

5. Telepopmuzik - Yesterday Was A Lie

ARE FALLOUT BOY THE NEW BUSTED?

Yankee bum-chums Fallout Boy emerged onto the 'nu rock' scene (or whatever the kids are calling that racket these days!) with a distinctly forgettable debut single called We're Not Quite Sure What. In a predictable market where the daring is ignored and the middle-of-the-road is consistently rewarded, the song stormed the American singles chart and sold millions.

"Yeah, and?" - we hear you ponder. Well it seems that the aformentioned safe and middle-of-the-road recipe for success employed to promote Fallout Boy was shaken to its very core when, two weeks ago, a string of hilarious naked self-portraits of (rather gay and well buff) guitarist Pete Wentz leaked onto the intranot for all to see. Becoming suddenly interesting, we decided to keep tabs on the band's next release. AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW!! IT'S A CORKER!!!

Dance Dance is everything that great pop should be, should you foolishly choose to drain it of all its fun by adding layer upon layer of 'hardcore' guitars. Which means it's good but kind of wrong, but really quite good. The video is a bit lame, favouring the overly exploited highschool Freaks & Geeks versus The Popular Kids-theme. It does however have some great 50s dancing and, as expected, a lot of Pete (with clothes on) smiling at the camera and kissing a girl. That's GIRL.

RIHANNA: pisses on beyonce

Fairly average popstar Rihanna has done more than deliver the goods by releasing S.O.S. (Rescue Me) as her next single. We've mentioned it before on SPUNK SPINS and figured enough radio airplay would ensure a satisfactory dose of this truly amazing pop song in our lives.

BUT IT HASN'T!!! Our iTunes play-count doesn't lie, and it screams that we have officially become obsessed. Every now and then we think to ourselves "if I had to become deaf from listening to one song so loudly my ears would bleed until they disintegrated, it would be this one". Well dearest readers, at this very moment in time, it's this one.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO: jentina

In what was possibly one of our favourite releases of 2004, Jentina's Bad Ass Strippa got us all excited at the prospect of a new pop act on the market that didn't entirely suck. With an LV dirt-bag-fabulous styling that would have Rachel Stevens squirm in her pleather boots, this london scally doll worked with the industry's best (Stephane Sednaoui on videos, Cathy Denis on lyrics) and saw more money being thrown at her in the first two months of her 'career' than Westlife's entire promotional budget. Two disapointing chart entries later (the second being AMAZING POP SONG French Kisses), and Jentina was officially off the radar, probably back in the same family trailer she escaped to become a table dancer-slash-rapper at age 16 (oh how we do love a well written biog!).

Somewhere in the world, her album Do Not Disturb is sitting quietly, raking up dust and yellowed memories of what pop ingenuity could have been. We'll give you a lung in exchange for a copy if you can find one.

LADY SOVEREIGN: provides a hypothesis concerning jentina's demise

what the fuck?
You was born in a caravan,
That don't make you ghetto
I seen more ghetto in posh spice's stelleto
You chat like a blonde but i swear your a brunette
When's your carrer endin'?
Tell me as soon as
'cause ur fuckin' annoyin' ma ears
with your bullshit walk and
bullshit talk and
crack head dances!
and you didnt get crap advances
Your record labels dumb
for signing a fitch
who can tracks her bum
whos still askin her mum "whats cum?"
your fake and you look k-cut
try wearing less make-up
you got a quiff like elvis
how can you sell this
"escalade, st tropez"
What escalade!?
i saw you drivin a Nissan Sunny
down Peckham way.

wanna wanna wanna b wanna b
sad arse strippah in a messed-up way
Get out da car 'n' drop ya hair sprays
wanna wanna wanna wanna b wanna b
sad arse stripper in a meseed-up way,
How da fuck did you get airplay?
fuckin' fake Fuckin' fake, fuckin' fake fuckin' fake

Jenny from da block more like jenny from a flock of pidgeons
What class A drug did they put in it?
Chicken- all spazin out in the video like you're trippin'
Incase your mum gave birth while she was strippin'
Shuka Shake, shake the brake your hips
And fall out of your caravan right into a ditch, bitch!

sad arse stripper in a messed-up way
How da f**k did ya get airplay?
fu**kin fake fuckin fake x2

I have come to fuck up your carerra
Bitch- dont fuck around wid dis titch, yeah!
I, have cum 2 really take da piss
And, you, will take dis lyrical dis'!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Ah, yeah!
You been chattin' bout ya gucci thongs
but how many weeks, bitch have u had it on (eurgh!)
I can tell by your dances
dat it's sum wear stuck up her bum (eurgh!)
burberraay... St. Tropeaay..
When are ya' gunna learn to speak properlaay?!
Who gives a shit anyway?
Just some dirty ol' men in cell block H

Fuckin' fake, Fuckin' fake, Fuckin' fake, Fuckin' fake

KELLY CLARKSON: is the shit

That's right, she is. She's always been and hopefully will be for a couple more ablums. If you haven't bought 'Breakaway' yet, you are a fool and clearly have been ignoring the very effective "everyone's talking about Kelly Clarkson!!" tv ads. Her new single is called Walk Away and it too is the shit. Much like its accompanying video, which brings a chuckle to our sour faces. "BUY IT!"

IF THIS WAS RELEASED AS A SINGLE: we would buy it

Click Here

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT: shakira

This won't do much for our hotmail account being bombarded with angry emails, but we at SPUNK can't quite shake off the feeling that there's something good about Shakira.

THE CONS: - She is really foreign. Not so much in the way that she's a tad mysterious and thinks that sex is somehow NORMAL, but in the way that you'd expect a foreign-exchange swedish girl to say "jesus christ" a lot, and probably not shave her armpits - She called Madonna 'spineless' for pulling the video for American Life - She yodels and generally sounds like she's singing from the back of her throat, Morrissey-style, which is never good.

THE PROS: - Underneath Your Clothes is the most irritating song in the world, yet it NEVER LEAVES YOUR HEAD ONCE SOMEONE HUMS IT AT WORK - She dances using hilarious body spasms! - Her pink guitar in the video for Don't Bother is amazing - She's got a fat arse and she rocks it, which is always good.

So there you have it. The female Enrique Iglesias somehow does it for us, and we're sorry. Je suis desole. Ik ben droovig. So Nos Piagente. Pardonna me.

THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS: beep this

Sorry this is of very poor taste, but far too hilarious to ignore - and yes, mostly because we hate them. (pic source: perez)

THE WEEK IN POP

Perhaps we should start writing about Project Catwalk... (Go curly-haired scouse girl!)

DARREN HAYE'S HAIR: we investigate

Darren Hayes' hair (say that 3 times really quickly) has undergone an impressive amount of change over the years. If we were a popstar, ours would too. Not because we'd be struggling to secure ourselves into a grounded, stable identity and therefore furiously trying on different styles in desperate search of inner peace, but because pop is a tart and it should therefore be tarted up.

In Mr Haye's case, we observe a severe decline in record sales correlating with an increased attractiveness in hairstyle. At his peak, back in the early days of Savage Garden, Darren sported a more experimental take on A1's Ben Adams' ridiculous curtains. Curtains = millions of record sales. Wonderful. However, for their second and last album, he decided to trim the barnet, becoming suddenly rather fanciable. Short, sexy hair = The Dumper.

A chillingly similar pattern emerges in his solo ventures. Back when (most amazing ballad ever) Insatiable was released, Darrs was spotted round town in a grotesque blonde, long, curly 'do. Bo-Peep Curls = Number 1 Hit Single! But again, when promoting his latest CD The Tension And The Spark (by far his best work yet), our fabulous popster went for the cropped chop, and so did his album sales.

And so we conclude with a word of advise to Darren: book some quality time at your local Essentuals for a cut and colour, and watch the dollars rake in by the bucket-load. We look forward to your glorious comeback.

SPUNK MAGAZINE: branching out! etc

Dearest readers, in the spirit of every single managazine/ newspaper/tv show in the history of the world ever, SPUNK MAGAZINE is "proud" to present OUR FIRST WEEKLY TOPICAL BAROMETER!

GOING UP:
Britney second baby rumours toughening
will this decade-long string of trashy behaviour ever get boring?

Will Young's penis on the cover of Heat Magazine
the world's best gossip mag never fails to prevail

Alan Carr's topical barometer
the only bareable bit in Channel4's The Friday Night Project

GOING DOWN:
Britney second baby rumours toughening
may delay new material being release if found to be true :(

The 2006 NME awards
using every single 'indie' stereotype in the book in the name of promoting real music. pop is definitely the new punk

Non-religious people fasting for lent
"it's just like a new year's resolution" - no it's not. now fuck off and eat chocolate

AGUI: back to basics

SO. EXITED. CAN'T. CONTAIN. INNEVITABLE. DISAPPOINTMENT.

Click Here Now for the footage we previously reported on, where Christina talks about her new album Back To Basics. Bit of a shit title, but she's currently just 'toying' with the idea, which means hopefully some half-human record executive will suggest something amazing. Like, 'Stripped 2' or something. Hurrah!

SPUNK SPINS: rihanna does human league

We skipped a week hoping some hot tihs would infiltrate our iTunes library... and it has:

1. Nelly Furtado - Maneater

2. Nelly Furtado - Promiscuous Girl

3. Rihanna - S.O.S. (Rescue Me)

4. William Orbit feat. Sugababes - Spiral

5. Massive Attack - Live With Me

XTINA: promotes her new album on US trl

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RELEASE IT NOW!!!1111!1111111!!!!!ELEVEN!!!!111111!111!!!

RICKY MARTIN: is so gay

KYLIE MINOGUE: grey gardens

Here is the first sign of a pop princess on her way back to pop glory (if you choose to ignore the Over The Rainbow online single, which we will)... a 'Grey Gardens' inspired photoshoot for Another Magazine: (pic source: trent.blogspot.com)

GWEN STEFANI: sixth single 'crash'

Preggers to buggery and SIXTEEN FUCKING MONTHS after 'dropping' Love.Angel.Music.Baby., bitch is still releasing singles from her tired-arse debut album.
G
O
A
W
A
Y

THE NME AWARDS 2006: yeah, wicked!

"Wow, that was so cool and anti-establishment. Like a giant 'fuck you!' to the manufactured crap in the charts. Exept when Sugababes did I Bet You Look Good Etc, what was that about?? I'm so glad the Arctic Monkeys won everything - they are so excellent and credible. Lol! Right, let's pop down to HMV and buy the new Editors album (the critics seem to love it!) as well as Ian Brown's greatest hits cd, yeah, well good, wicked."

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO: tyler james

We once sat on the tube opposite a very good-looking, very over-styled Tyler James, and thought 'ooh, spotted!'. Until we realised the unlikely lord was on the verge of a mini breakdown, fighting hard to hold back the tears and finding comfort in the soothing touch of an older lady (manager? faghag? mother?). But where is young Tyler now? "IN THE DUMPER", we hear you shout.

Well, if he is, we're blaming his record company for the ridiculous biography posted on his official website, which states the following: "If the lads round Tyler's way did anything for a living it certainly wasn't singing; these days most of Tyler's mates are in prison". Mkay then!

BLOODY HELL, NELLY FURTADO: maneater

Listen to THIS, and count the seconds before you forget all about the bad b.o. rumours and hyper-active boxtalks, and become entirely enthralled in the genius that is Nelly Furtado's new sound. Whoa.

LENNY KRAVITZ: absolut sellout

Such great album covers but such poor material over the past five years... Click Here

MIKE SKINNER: aka mike skinner

Now we know some (most) of you will be of the opinion that Mike Skinner belongs under a truck, but we at SPUNK must admit to have always been fond of the wise-cracking pikey.

Whilst being fully aware that all of his songs get unbelievably irritating after a few weeks of incessant airplay on Radio One, new single When You Wasn't Famous is currently still very fresh and, well, brilliant.

SUGABABES: wearing red dresses!!!

Take a look at Sugababes' new video for Red Dress HERE

SPUNK MAGAZINE: a charity appeal

- "I shouldn't be here"

- "I shouldn't be here"

- "Oi! What you f***ing implyin?... well i s'pose I shouldn't be here"

- "That's ignorant, I am peter pan etc"

To help more popstars from the heartache of failure, show your support and send just £2/month to this address: Click Here

DO YOU REMEMBER AINSLIE?

WE BLOODY DO! And how could we forget! Keep Me A Secret was such a great song!

Download it now!

Exclamation mark!

SPUNK SPINS: max martin rules!

What we've been listening to this week at SPUNK HQs:

1. The Veronicas - 4Ever

2. ABBA - Super Trouper

3. Sugababes - I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor

4. The Boyfriends - I Love You

5. Pink - You And Your Hand

THE BRITS 06: what a load of old shite

James Blunt and Katie Melua nominated for best pop? What. Ever.

LL COOL J: featuring her with the fat bum

We sure don't mean to get all Urban Flavaz on your arses, but is THIS the sound of '06?

SUGABABES: it's all gone menudo

We have finally witnessed our first New Line-Up Sugababes appearance on today's Top Of The Pops on bbc2, and we have this to say:

1. Amelle is much prettier than the pictures we've seen online.

2. Amelle's voice is husky, much like Mutya's. But is it as good?

3. Amelle is quite the little bit of fit.

4. Keisha's hair is suddenly huge, which only adds to her superiority and 'queen b' appeal, being the only original member left.

GOD BLESS YOUTUBE

Just like time travel, video hosting website YouTube allows us popsters to relive the better days of music!

SPUNK SPINS: kelis still "a bit Marmite"

1. Pink - Stupid Girls

2. Kelis - I'm Bossy

3. Ne*Yo - So Sick (shameful but true- Ed)

4. Sugababes - Red Dress

5. David Hasselhoff - Je T'aime Means I Love You (not shameful at all- Ed)

KELIS: is bossy

Back with a new 'do and blue poodle, Kelis' come-back single I'm Bossy is a bit marmite at the moment, but we'll give it a few listens and get back to you.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"POPWORLD presenters Simon Amstell and Miquita Oliver are quitting the show after five years at the helm. The double act will host their last programme in April. Miquita said: "I started Popworld at the age of 16 so for me it's a bit like leaving school.

"With Popworld I've had the most brilliant time and I'm so proud of everything Simon and I have done with the show." Simon, 26, plans to continue writing and stand-up and to embark on new broadcasting projects. Miquita, 21, is being lined up for new T4 and Pure T4 projects. New presenters will be announced later this spring and the show will continue in its Saturday morning slot."

(source: thesun.co.uk)

MADONNA'S NEW VIDEO: premieres here

Watch SORRY now

VIVA FOREVER, A RETROSPECTIVE: part I - Geri Halliwell

Dearest readers, let's take a walk; a walk down Spice Lane...... Many years ago, back when Honeyz were a force to be reckoned with, five feisty young girls took over the entire world (or, "Spice World" - as it bloody were). With their unique blend of Simon Fuller management, Geri Halliwell, Emma Bunton, Melanie B/G, Melanie C and Victoria Beckham are responsible for some of our generation's finest pop recordings. With this is mind, and with talks of the girls reuniting for a 2006 world tour, SPUNK MAGAZINE proudly presents: the Spice Girls, VIVA FOREVER: A Retrospective. A bit like when the V&A did Vivienne Westwood, but for pop music.

Before we go on, we should point out that this aint just any old re-hash of the girls' glory days as the planet's leading girl-band, no no no, this is the real thick of it - the fascinating craftsmanship that so superbly squeezed into every beautifully packaged album released with the Girl Power seal of approval: THEIR SOLO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGHGHHHH, SO EXCITED!!!11!!1111!

Hold on to your platforms, cuz here we bloody go:
This was the first release by a solo Spice, after Geri left her band-mates to carry on as a four-piece, but let's not mention the whole Forever fiasco. Schizo-phonic came in two different packages, one white, showcasing Geri's soft, tender, ballad side. Another, red, putting forward the fiery, sexy-in-bras, power-tunes-Geri that we all knew and loved. Genius.
"LOOOOOOoooooK AT ME", moaned Geri on her first solo venture. Accompanied by a dramatic black and white video, in which the 'old union jack' Geri was put to rest and where the 'new, friends with george michael serious artist re-inventing herself' Geri was born, the first single off Schizo-phonic topped the charts!
What followed can only be described as a disjointed amalgam of conflicting imagery, all voicing a desperate need for subsisted global recognition. Second single Mi Chico Kachino jumped on the then-popular (what were we thinking) latino craze. Geri was seen canoodling around a mediterranean love-boat with a bevy of scantily-clad homosexuals (a Pink Pound's milkless tit from which she dry-sucked the very livelihood it usually comes associated with - but more on that later). Although Kachino charted well, it seemed the Album was quickly disappearing from the charts...
In came third single Lift Me Up. ...This was the first sign that something may be really wrong with Geri Haliwell. As in, medically. Not only was the single's success based entirely on her sudden romantic link with lame, washed-out, fugly ginger, ex-radio dj chris evans (if you're gonna lie about dating someone to make money, pick someone fit! or at least popular), but the video was an INEXPLICABLE STINKER. Lost on the open road, on board a blue convertible car, Geri breaks down, only to be rescued by space midgets with silver faces. Riiight.
Anyway, back to the gays. "Right everyone, my career is a bit all over the place at the moment, let's put something out that'll really show people what I'm all about!". Cue Bag It Up. A factory of hot-pants wearing men bunnies are BAGGING (do you see?) a wonderful, pink product called GIRL POWDER (do you see... yeah). How self-deprecating! Genius. Well, no it's not. It's bloody desperate, and the album sank so deep it never recovered. Too much money was spent, too many marketing people were hired and fired. Geri's first album failed miserably. Oh well, best go back to the drawing board with a new strategy. A good one! (to be continued...)