DARREN HAYE'S HAIR: we investigate

Darren Hayes' hair (say that 3 times really quickly) has undergone an impressive amount of change over the years. If we were a popstar, ours would too. Not because we'd be struggling to secure ourselves into a grounded, stable identity and therefore furiously trying on different styles in desperate search of inner peace, but because pop is a tart and it should therefore be tarted up.

In Mr Haye's case, we observe a severe decline in record sales correlating with an increased attractiveness in hairstyle. At his peak, back in the early days of Savage Garden, Darren sported a more experimental take on A1's Ben Adams' ridiculous curtains. Curtains = millions of record sales. Wonderful. However, for their second and last album, he decided to trim the barnet, becoming suddenly rather fanciable. Short, sexy hair = The Dumper.

A chillingly similar pattern emerges in his solo ventures. Back when (most amazing ballad ever) Insatiable was released, Darrs was spotted round town in a grotesque blonde, long, curly 'do. Bo-Peep Curls = Number 1 Hit Single! But again, when promoting his latest CD The Tension And The Spark (by far his best work yet), our fabulous popster went for the cropped chop, and so did his album sales.

And so we conclude with a word of advise to Darren: book some quality time at your local Essentuals for a cut and colour, and watch the dollars rake in by the bucket-load. We look forward to your glorious comeback.