Dear Eminem,Please stop writing whingey songs about how much being a rap star is keeping you away from your daughter Hailie. "Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for? Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?".
We will happily cut all our limbs off and fedex them to you if you promise to go back to the light-hearted nature of your former glories. Not that 'Ass Like That' was much to listen to, but if you're going to be on Mtv 24/7 we'd rather hear you cash in on the immaturity which has made you so popular with spotty GCSE-ers the world over.
And anyway, if you're so concerned about your daughter's well-being then stop riding around limos with under-aged strippers, release a greatest hits cd with a really dull cover that looks exactly like your last two albums, and quit the industry for good. And by 'for good' we mean of course keep producing other artists like there's no tomorrow, embark on countless side-projects with nu-metal idiots in the style of Jaz-y, only to come back with a new outrageously original rap persona when the 'sleeping pills' money has finally dried out.
Good luck with all your future endeavours, however predictable they may be, and thank you for The Marshall Mathers LP.
SPUNK xx
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