NEW YEAR RE-CAP: of the last three weeks

In the spirit of endless New Year re-caps dominating the intranot and VH1, we thought we'd do one covering the last three weeks of pop. We could have done the whole year but can't be bothered and it's never that interesting, or fun. So here we go:

1. We bought Girls Aloud's new album and it's fantastic, forcing us to eat our hats and go back on our words stating that they may have "lost it a bit". We've been listening to the intro of Biology over and over and have decided it is possibly the best pop intro of 2005. It's unfortunately still all downhill from then on, but the rest of the album makes up for it.

And that is that! Three weeks which, you'll agree, reflect the general state of pop in 2005: IN NEED OF A GOOD LOLLY SURGE. Here's to hoping Kylie comes back with something great in 2006, happy new year.

SPUNK xx

ps. SPUNK HQs are relocating to North London, we will therefore be inactive until we have the Telewest man round. You can feast on our archives whilst we're gone. x

SORRY: one thousand Madonnas!!!

This is the artwork for Madonna's new single Sorry:
Or maybe it's this, we're not quite sure:

SPUNK SPINS: Debbie Harry sings in french! badly!

1. Hi_Tack - Say Say Say

2. Girls Aloud - Watch Me Go

3. Jose Gonzales - Heartbeats

4. Blondie - Denis

5. Daft Punk - Make Love

RICHARD ASHCROFT COMPETITION: results

Dearest SPUNK readers, here are the three finalists for our amazing DESIGN YOUR OWN RICHARD ASHCROFT CD SLEEVE competition:

David Roper from New York submitted this little gem. Superb! However, David, a keen eye will no doubt notice you used the popular Tahoma font to write the name of the artist and the album's imaginative title, when we quite specifically asked for Times New Roman. No harm done, but read the guidelines carefully next time.

Sven Roock from Sweden sent us this impressive design. A personal favourite of ours and potential winner, had it not been for the inexplicable green rectangle located in the picture's background. Sven, nowhere does it state in our '9 easy-step guide' that the picture should contain a green rectangle! I mean, what is this, a PetShopBoys cd sleeve competition?! No it is not.

Laura Burrows from Wales, congratulations. A no-brainer: the picture is breathtaking, the font is right, and there are no green shapes of any form in the background. Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY: mimi's 17th

Mariah has recently celebrated her 17th Number 1 single in America with Don't Forget About Us, according to their Billboard Piping Hot 674 Countdown, or some nonesuch chart they have out there. It's a big deal as only the The Beatles have scored more number ones in the States.

We at SPUNK aren't too sure whether that's a good thing, as she is clearly a vile creature of insanely bloated proportions, yet we seem to have most of her albums on our iPods, and we're somewhat eternally greateful for the mental phase and suicide attempts that followed Glitter, as well as the hilarious string of sex-crazed outfits and poses in her recent videos and public appearances. (£1 to whoever can find a screen-cap of her leg over the swimming-pool in the video for Don't Forget About Us).

Mimi, you vile, vile thing; we hate to love you.

KEVIN FEDERLINE: never judge a book

This is leaving us rather speechless: http://www.kevinfederline.com/

WE DON'T UNDERSTAND WILL'S NEW VIDEO

What on earth is it meant to be about? A homage to Cuban liberation in which William plays Che Guevara? An assembled string of slow long-shots and close-ups of people wearing strange veils? A retro, sexually ambiguous revisiting of The Dreamers? It seems Will struggles to get both videos and songs right at the same time.

PINK: "I'm not dead"

"Pink is so over", "Isn't she a man in drag?", "She's such a clit-tease". Hush we say! The gayest straight girl in Pop (who used to be RnB and now kinda Rock etc get over it) is B. A. C. K. with a new album called I'm Not Dead - do you see? Because she's been out of the limelight for a while people might have assumed she was dead. Well she's not. Good.

She's shot two videos for two different songs for the first single, cuz she couldn't decide which song she liked best or some nonsense, but either way it will not be a double a-side. Repeat NOT A DOUBLE A-SIDE. One song is called You And Your Hand, which is about men feeling girls up in clubs (Pink is so strong and independent, we just know she won't stand for that) and the other song, Stupid Girl, spoofs the young, superficial Hollywood, Hilton-style girls (Pink is so strong and independent, we just know etc).

This is all good news. Not as good news as, say, Britney or Christina being back with new material but good none-the-less.

SPUNK COMPETITION: make your own Richard Ashcroft cd sleeve!

Dear readers, we urge you to partake in our very first online competition. It is called: MAKE YOUR OWN RICHARD ASHCROFT CD SLEEVE! Interactive! To do so, simply take a look at Rich's amazing album cover for forthcoming lp Keys To The World:

Inspired yet? Thought so. Well, in order to help you on your way to free artistic expression, just follow our '9 easy-step guide' to MAKING YOUR OWN RICHARD ASHCROFT CD SLEEVE:

Step 1: Take a picture of yourself walking down a street

Step 2: Write 'Richard Ashcroft Keys To The World' in the top, left-hand corner in Times New Roman

Step 3: oh...

Step 9: Congratulations! You're a talented album sleeve designer earning millions from trendy commissions!! Fantastic.

Now send us your masterpieces to spunkmagazine@hotmail.co.uk and we promise to post the best ones very soon. Get creative!

THEFT: the greatest form of flattery

SPUNK SPINS: la la land

What we've been loving this week at SPUNK HQ...

1. Green Velvet - La La Land

2. The Ones - Flawless (radio vocal edit)

3. Will Young - Home

4. West End Girls - West End Girls

5. Beyonce - Check On It

SHAYNE WARD: that's my goat!

In other pop News, Shayne Ward has rather predictably won The X Factor. His first single That's My Goal has hit the shelves today and is very rubbish, in fact possibly worse than most Westlife songs (although the recent ones have been slightly more bareable, maybe they're getting better, maybe we're bored of being so damn negative about them oh i dunno etc.) Our favourite bits on the last few X Factor shows were 1) when everybody started crying about bins and mums, and 2) when Kate Thornton said to Andy, as he picked up the remains of his pride as runner up of the ITV competition, that he "may be a bin-man, but you're certainly not rubbish". What a cunt. Hip Hip Chin Chin for this year's X FACTOR!!!!! Almost as good as Pop Idol 1.

UPDATE! Click here: http://entertainment.msn.co.uk/music/musicvideos5/Default.asp for an exclusive look at Shayne Ward's new video. Now that's what we call a video. It has slow-motion bits where Shayne auditions for the show, having no idea whatsoever about the incredible journey he is about to embark on, and a particularly amazing slow-motion bit where Kate Thornton announces he wozzZZZZZzzzz zzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzz

SUGABABES: Amelle Berrabah

According the Popjustice.co.uk (a fair reference allows for one to rip off shamelessly), this young lady serves as replacement for Mutya Sugababes, who has officially left the band today. This is very sad news as we're clearly still bleeding from Siobhan's departure 12 years ago, but kind of exciting at the same time as the 'Babes need a bit of new blood after this year's yankee-bum-chum Taller In More Ways.

Her name is Amelle Berrabah, she looks a bit like Mutya (which is great cuz another white girl would have sucked - sorry Heidi), she seems to have funny eyes and lips but that could be the badly photoshopped picture, or maybe that's just how she looks WE JUST DON'T KNOW AT THIS VERY EARLY STAGE.

COLIN MURRAY: likes 'em fresh

Hear Radio Coldplay's Colin Murray claiming to be fond of fondling his 14 year-old neighbour's boobs, seconds before a Newsbeat report of a peadophile arrested on grounds of assaulting a twelve year-old girl: http://www.themailout.co.uk/audio/colinedith.mp3

VICTORIA BECKHAM: tickles poo bay

Finally! Skeletor has found her niche from which to amass millions and earn the respect of her peers, family and press:

http://www.rowanlea.com/novelties/x-wipes/facesforfeces/poshwipes.html

SPUNK MAGAZINE: ghost town

Yeah sorry it's been pretty dead lately. There has been a terrible, terrible fire at SPUNK towers and we're trying to salvage all our belongings. Our office cat died in the blaze, which is very sad and we're kinda depressed about the whole affair... Not really. Back very soon!

SPUNK xx

DEAR EMINEM: curtain call

Dear Eminem,
Please stop writing whingey songs about how much being a rap star is keeping you away from your daughter Hailie. "Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for? Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?".

We will happily cut all our limbs off and fedex them to you if you promise to go back to the light-hearted nature of your former glories. Not that 'Ass Like That' was much to listen to, but if you're going to be on Mtv 24/7 we'd rather hear you cash in on the immaturity which has made you so popular with spotty GCSE-ers the world over.

And anyway, if you're so concerned about your daughter's well-being then stop riding around limos with under-aged strippers, release a greatest hits cd with a really dull cover that looks exactly like your last two albums, and quit the industry for good. And by 'for good' we mean of course keep producing other artists like there's no tomorrow, embark on countless side-projects with nu-metal idiots in the style of Jaz-y, only to come back with a new outrageously original rap persona when the 'sleeping pills' money has finally dried out.

Good luck with all your future endeavours, however predictable they may be, and thank you for The Marshall Mathers LP.

SPUNK xx

Q-UNIT: 50cent is a big queen

Click: http://members.home.nl/visionx/
Bootlegs are back! SPUNK is particularly fond of 'Bohemian Wanksta'.

SPUNK SPINS: Alannah Myles rocks

What we've been 'buying' online and listening to this week at SPUNK:

1. Alannah Myles - Black Velvet

2. Girls Aloud - See The Day

3. Kanye West - Heard Em Say

4. Gorillaz - Kids With Guns

5. Charlotte Church - Even God Can't Change The Past (most amazing Charlotte Church song title ever)

SIOBHAN DONAGHY: we heart you so much

In our eternal quest for obsolete information regarding our favourite ginger belle, we stumbled across a really appalling, streaming, 3-parter interview from 2004! Click the link below and see a very beautiful Siobhan discuss her leaving Sugababes, her depression, her boyfriend, the meaning behind the song title 'Iodine' (finally!), and how she has twelve aunts and uncles. Twelve!

http://www.chatshow.net/Interviews/interview.aspx?interviewID=48

PS. Special SPUNK credits going out to the monstrous Essex car-crash of an interviewer employed by the good people at chatshow.net and her ridiculous plastic board she forces poor Siobhan to sign at the end.