OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

Siobhan Donaghy's back!

HOW TO RUIN A BEAUTIFUL DAY

We're having a wonderful afternoon tidying the office and listening to The Hits digital radio, when suddenly... what's this? A U2 song on our favourite station? Oh well, best get up and flick over to 1Xtra (oh dear!). But wait, Bono's usual death drone seems to be layered with a familiar female voice. Who could this be? A backing singer trying to make a name for herself? No, no it's definitely someone we recognise... and loathe. She's - she's doing gospel on an old U2 song... it's, IT'S MARY J BLIGE!! TURN IT OVER BLOODY TURN IT OVER NOW

MIMI TURNS 36: riiight

Still harvesting the attention gathered from her latest 'comeback album' like a crackhead on the lookout for cheap smack, Mariah was recently spotted out and about (jeans firmly tucked in boots) celebrating her 36th birthday. Now, call us cynical, but hasn't girlfriend been in her mid-30s for about two decades? She certainly looks like it. We miss the days of Charm Bracelet ("of what?" - exactly), when no one bought her music and she totally lost the plot.

JOURNEY SOUTH: are so beige

WILL YOUNG'S NEW VIDEO: "refreshing"

"It's so refreshing to see an artist not take themselves too seriously and coming up with really quite imaginative concepts for their pop promos, rather than the egocentric nonsense found in so many of today's videos. Ooh not so sure about the 60s hair though! But what do I know - I'm just a young housewife with two children hoping neither of them will turn out queer. Now where's that darn garlic press?"

Watch Who Am I here.

SPUNK SPINS: james and corinne can f off

This week, providing a controversial alternative to James Clunt and Corinne Bailey Bore!

1. Jentina - Mysterious

2. Fallout Boy - Dance Dance

3. Kate Bush - Sunset

4. Hot Chip - Over & Over

5. Telepopmuzik - Yesterday Was A Lie

ARE FALLOUT BOY THE NEW BUSTED?

Yankee bum-chums Fallout Boy emerged onto the 'nu rock' scene (or whatever the kids are calling that racket these days!) with a distinctly forgettable debut single called We're Not Quite Sure What. In a predictable market where the daring is ignored and the middle-of-the-road is consistently rewarded, the song stormed the American singles chart and sold millions.

"Yeah, and?" - we hear you ponder. Well it seems that the aformentioned safe and middle-of-the-road recipe for success employed to promote Fallout Boy was shaken to its very core when, two weeks ago, a string of hilarious naked self-portraits of (rather gay and well buff) guitarist Pete Wentz leaked onto the intranot for all to see. Becoming suddenly interesting, we decided to keep tabs on the band's next release. AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW!! IT'S A CORKER!!!

Dance Dance is everything that great pop should be, should you foolishly choose to drain it of all its fun by adding layer upon layer of 'hardcore' guitars. Which means it's good but kind of wrong, but really quite good. The video is a bit lame, favouring the overly exploited highschool Freaks & Geeks versus The Popular Kids-theme. It does however have some great 50s dancing and, as expected, a lot of Pete (with clothes on) smiling at the camera and kissing a girl. That's GIRL.

RIHANNA: pisses on beyonce

Fairly average popstar Rihanna has done more than deliver the goods by releasing S.O.S. (Rescue Me) as her next single. We've mentioned it before on SPUNK SPINS and figured enough radio airplay would ensure a satisfactory dose of this truly amazing pop song in our lives.

BUT IT HASN'T!!! Our iTunes play-count doesn't lie, and it screams that we have officially become obsessed. Every now and then we think to ourselves "if I had to become deaf from listening to one song so loudly my ears would bleed until they disintegrated, it would be this one". Well dearest readers, at this very moment in time, it's this one.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO: jentina

In what was possibly one of our favourite releases of 2004, Jentina's Bad Ass Strippa got us all excited at the prospect of a new pop act on the market that didn't entirely suck. With an LV dirt-bag-fabulous styling that would have Rachel Stevens squirm in her pleather boots, this london scally doll worked with the industry's best (Stephane Sednaoui on videos, Cathy Denis on lyrics) and saw more money being thrown at her in the first two months of her 'career' than Westlife's entire promotional budget. Two disapointing chart entries later (the second being AMAZING POP SONG French Kisses), and Jentina was officially off the radar, probably back in the same family trailer she escaped to become a table dancer-slash-rapper at age 16 (oh how we do love a well written biog!).

Somewhere in the world, her album Do Not Disturb is sitting quietly, raking up dust and yellowed memories of what pop ingenuity could have been. We'll give you a lung in exchange for a copy if you can find one.

LADY SOVEREIGN: provides a hypothesis concerning jentina's demise

what the fuck?
You was born in a caravan,
That don't make you ghetto
I seen more ghetto in posh spice's stelleto
You chat like a blonde but i swear your a brunette
When's your carrer endin'?
Tell me as soon as
'cause ur fuckin' annoyin' ma ears
with your bullshit walk and
bullshit talk and
crack head dances!
and you didnt get crap advances
Your record labels dumb
for signing a fitch
who can tracks her bum
whos still askin her mum "whats cum?"
your fake and you look k-cut
try wearing less make-up
you got a quiff like elvis
how can you sell this
"escalade, st tropez"
What escalade!?
i saw you drivin a Nissan Sunny
down Peckham way.

wanna wanna wanna b wanna b
sad arse strippah in a messed-up way
Get out da car 'n' drop ya hair sprays
wanna wanna wanna wanna b wanna b
sad arse stripper in a meseed-up way,
How da fuck did you get airplay?
fuckin' fake Fuckin' fake, fuckin' fake fuckin' fake

Jenny from da block more like jenny from a flock of pidgeons
What class A drug did they put in it?
Chicken- all spazin out in the video like you're trippin'
Incase your mum gave birth while she was strippin'
Shuka Shake, shake the brake your hips
And fall out of your caravan right into a ditch, bitch!

sad arse stripper in a messed-up way
How da f**k did ya get airplay?
fu**kin fake fuckin fake x2

I have come to fuck up your carerra
Bitch- dont fuck around wid dis titch, yeah!
I, have cum 2 really take da piss
And, you, will take dis lyrical dis'!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Ah, yeah!
You been chattin' bout ya gucci thongs
but how many weeks, bitch have u had it on (eurgh!)
I can tell by your dances
dat it's sum wear stuck up her bum (eurgh!)
burberraay... St. Tropeaay..
When are ya' gunna learn to speak properlaay?!
Who gives a shit anyway?
Just some dirty ol' men in cell block H

Fuckin' fake, Fuckin' fake, Fuckin' fake, Fuckin' fake

KELLY CLARKSON: is the shit

That's right, she is. She's always been and hopefully will be for a couple more ablums. If you haven't bought 'Breakaway' yet, you are a fool and clearly have been ignoring the very effective "everyone's talking about Kelly Clarkson!!" tv ads. Her new single is called Walk Away and it too is the shit. Much like its accompanying video, which brings a chuckle to our sour faces. "BUY IT!"

IF THIS WAS RELEASED AS A SINGLE: we would buy it

Click Here

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT: shakira

This won't do much for our hotmail account being bombarded with angry emails, but we at SPUNK can't quite shake off the feeling that there's something good about Shakira.

THE CONS: - She is really foreign. Not so much in the way that she's a tad mysterious and thinks that sex is somehow NORMAL, but in the way that you'd expect a foreign-exchange swedish girl to say "jesus christ" a lot, and probably not shave her armpits - She called Madonna 'spineless' for pulling the video for American Life - She yodels and generally sounds like she's singing from the back of her throat, Morrissey-style, which is never good.

THE PROS: - Underneath Your Clothes is the most irritating song in the world, yet it NEVER LEAVES YOUR HEAD ONCE SOMEONE HUMS IT AT WORK - She dances using hilarious body spasms! - Her pink guitar in the video for Don't Bother is amazing - She's got a fat arse and she rocks it, which is always good.

So there you have it. The female Enrique Iglesias somehow does it for us, and we're sorry. Je suis desole. Ik ben droovig. So Nos Piagente. Pardonna me.

THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS: beep this

Sorry this is of very poor taste, but far too hilarious to ignore - and yes, mostly because we hate them. (pic source: perez)

THE WEEK IN POP

Perhaps we should start writing about Project Catwalk... (Go curly-haired scouse girl!)

DARREN HAYE'S HAIR: we investigate

Darren Hayes' hair (say that 3 times really quickly) has undergone an impressive amount of change over the years. If we were a popstar, ours would too. Not because we'd be struggling to secure ourselves into a grounded, stable identity and therefore furiously trying on different styles in desperate search of inner peace, but because pop is a tart and it should therefore be tarted up.

In Mr Haye's case, we observe a severe decline in record sales correlating with an increased attractiveness in hairstyle. At his peak, back in the early days of Savage Garden, Darren sported a more experimental take on A1's Ben Adams' ridiculous curtains. Curtains = millions of record sales. Wonderful. However, for their second and last album, he decided to trim the barnet, becoming suddenly rather fanciable. Short, sexy hair = The Dumper.

A chillingly similar pattern emerges in his solo ventures. Back when (most amazing ballad ever) Insatiable was released, Darrs was spotted round town in a grotesque blonde, long, curly 'do. Bo-Peep Curls = Number 1 Hit Single! But again, when promoting his latest CD The Tension And The Spark (by far his best work yet), our fabulous popster went for the cropped chop, and so did his album sales.

And so we conclude with a word of advise to Darren: book some quality time at your local Essentuals for a cut and colour, and watch the dollars rake in by the bucket-load. We look forward to your glorious comeback.

SPUNK MAGAZINE: branching out! etc

Dearest readers, in the spirit of every single managazine/ newspaper/tv show in the history of the world ever, SPUNK MAGAZINE is "proud" to present OUR FIRST WEEKLY TOPICAL BAROMETER!

GOING UP:
Britney second baby rumours toughening
will this decade-long string of trashy behaviour ever get boring?

Will Young's penis on the cover of Heat Magazine
the world's best gossip mag never fails to prevail

Alan Carr's topical barometer
the only bareable bit in Channel4's The Friday Night Project

GOING DOWN:
Britney second baby rumours toughening
may delay new material being release if found to be true :(

The 2006 NME awards
using every single 'indie' stereotype in the book in the name of promoting real music. pop is definitely the new punk

Non-religious people fasting for lent
"it's just like a new year's resolution" - no it's not. now fuck off and eat chocolate

AGUI: back to basics

SO. EXITED. CAN'T. CONTAIN. INNEVITABLE. DISAPPOINTMENT.

Click Here Now for the footage we previously reported on, where Christina talks about her new album Back To Basics. Bit of a shit title, but she's currently just 'toying' with the idea, which means hopefully some half-human record executive will suggest something amazing. Like, 'Stripped 2' or something. Hurrah!

SPUNK SPINS: rihanna does human league

We skipped a week hoping some hot tihs would infiltrate our iTunes library... and it has:

1. Nelly Furtado - Maneater

2. Nelly Furtado - Promiscuous Girl

3. Rihanna - S.O.S. (Rescue Me)

4. William Orbit feat. Sugababes - Spiral

5. Massive Attack - Live With Me