LIL'KIM: surely not

We've been avoiding this one like the plague, but it seems a good lockin' up was all the girl needed to release something decent. 'Lighters Up' sounds like everything Ms Dynamite and Lauryn Hill should have released, had they not been hailed music' Second Coming and gone a bit mental.

In other music news: McFly have covered the Kaiser Chiefs' 'I Predict a Riot' for Jo Whiley's live lounge and it sounds really awful. Don't listen to it here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/jowhiley/?djs_rhn

SPUNK: in pop we trust

1. les rythmes digitales – sometimes
2. stardust – music sounds better with you
3. fiscerspooner – emerge
4. telepopmusic – breathe
5. madonna – into the groove
6. kelly clarkson – since you've been gone
7. britney – slave 4 u
8. whitney houston vs kraftwerk – i wanna dance with some numbers
9. take that – once u've tasted love
10. sugababes – freak like me
11. scissor sisters – it can't come quickly enough
12. yaz – situation
13. erasure – stop
14. rachel stevens – some girls
15. phoenix – if I ever feel better
16. kylie – slow
17. eurythmics – sweet dreams (are made of these)
18. goldfrapp – strict machine
19. *nsync feat. nelly – girlfriend
20. dannii minogue – i begin to wonder

Close calls: jentina - bad ass strippa, rui da silva - touch me, daft punk - one more time.

X FACTOR: no more Phil

In what was very possibly SPUNK's favourite television moment of 2005, The X-Factor's Phillip Magee fought hard for his place in the competition against some talentless, Cyprian, belly-flashing buffoon.

Alas, the young Irishman got the boot from Simon and The X-Factor will never be the same again. Phillip Magee, SPUNK salutes you. May your rock'n'roll soul shine forever in an apotheosis of arm, leg and shoulder spasms.

Amazing.

GOOD GOD: so were Hear'say!!!

It's a fucking conspiracy.

BREAKING NEWS: Westlife are just heads!!!

According to Westlife's impressive back catalogue of avant-garde album artwork, it seems the boys are just heads!!! And maybe a little bit of shoulders.

SHAYNE WARD: back off, Sharon

With SPUNK's hotmail account overflowing with requests for naked pictures of The X-Factor's Shayne Ward, we regret to report that this old screen-cap from week 9 is all we have to offer.

This said, if Sharon Osbourne's weekly threats of molesting the poor young boy are anything to go by, we assume it won't be long before we see his tits on the cover of Heat.

Something to look forward to this Christmas!

JUSTIFY: fit t-shirt

Check out this really quite excellent t-shirt, sent to us by a reader of SPUNK.

WHITNEY & BOBBY: "what do you make of Girls Aloud's two consecutive stinkers?"

GARETH GATES: oh my

A relaunch on the cards, perhaps?

WILL YOUNG: still a bit cuntish

We were gonna do a whole bit about Will Young's new website, but Blogger is broken therefore we can't. There's new pictures and new streamed interviews in which he sounds a bit cuntish etc. Check it out for yourselves:

http://www.will-youngonline.com/

MADONNA HUNG UP VIDEO: it's a gooden

Click the link below and watch the full lenght version of Madonna's new video for Hung Up (major camel-toe alert).

http://www.vh1.com/artists/az/madonna/videos.jhtml?popThis=popVideo(64760)

MADONNA: pink nano

GIRLS ALOUD: bad chemistry?

Is it us, or are Girls Aloud losing it a bit?

We're willing to forgive the odd 'I'll Stand By You' charity stinker, but two lame singles in a row is cutting it fine. Especially when they're supposed to set the tone for new album Chemistry.

'Long Hot Summer' was a bore, and now 'Biology' sucks too! (plus the video is kinda retarded). What's going on?

Like Whitney needs Bobby, the UK pop scene needs Girls Aloud. Some people may not like it, but damn us if we're gonna see them separated!

SPUNK SPINS: get yer dancin' shoes on

Each week (or so) we'll compile a short list of our favourite tunes to 'buy' online. Old or new, this is what we're listening to this week:

1. M.I.A. - Galang 05

2. Donna Summer - I Feel Love

3. Tyler James & Amy Winehouse - Best For Me

4. Madonna - Hung Up

5. Kate Bush - King of the Mountain

SPUNK is definitely not listening to 'I bet you look good on the dancefloor' by Arctic Monkeys. Yawn.

BREAKING NEWS: the destiny's child horse has been flogged to death!!!

These days, it seems annoucing one's imminent departure from the world of pop isn't quite the two-weeks-notice joby some would have you believe...

Indeed, a hefty ten months after declaring their pending retirement, Destiny's Child are still riding the promo-van like there's no tomorrow.

Their last effort, entitled Destiny Fulfilled, already gave some clue as to the future of the band. A string of forgettable singles later (including the abomination that was 'Cater 2 U'), Beyonce and co' picked up a few Lifetime Achievement awards (at the ripe old age of twelve), before announcing the release of a greatest hits album, which will include two new singles and videos, swiftly followed by a 76-stop, world-wide Farewell Tour.

Go home, girls.

ROBBIE WILLIAMS: quite literally naked

We're not quite sure if we're imagining this...
Please click the link below and tell us.

http://www.robbiewilliams.co.uk/getmore/robbie%20full_12Med_Prog001.swf

*NSYNC: hell yeah

Some may regard the release of this Greatest Hits package as a ropey attempt to harvest some well-needed cash wasted on the launch of Russian space shuttles, or even ropier singing and acting careers. Some, however, may regard it as a bloody excellent reason to get back into *NSYNC!! Without having to skip through any fillers!! (Except tracks 5, 11 and 12. SPUNK is however very excited about hearing tracks 2, 4, 6 and 9 on the same CD for the very first time).

And judging by the sight of Justin's hair and very special see-through shirt, we're guessing that if the band couldn't even re-group to shoot this album cover, it'll be the last we ever see of them together.

Here's the track-listing:

1.Bye Bye Bye

2.Girlfriend (remix) - The good one! With Nelly!!

3.This I Promise You

4.It's Gonna Be Me

5.God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On You

6.I Want You Back

7.Pop

8.Gone

9.Tearin' Up My Heart

10.I Drive Myself Crazy - remember the AMAZING mental asylum video?

11.I'll Never Stop

12.Music Of My Heart (with Gloria Estefan)

THE POWER OF SPUNK: siobhan's back

Number 1 on our pop wish-list for Xmas 05 was to see the return of the excellent, ex-Sugababe Siobhan Donaghy. From the lady herself, and available on her official website's forum:

"Hello there. First of all I'd like to start by saying that after such a long time without any releases from myself or even having had a deal for what is now over a year and a half, to still see the familiar names, and also some new, popping up on this site showing support is absolutely incredible. Leaving London Records was a mutual decision made by both parties as we had simply come to the end of what was a very happy working relationship between myself and people i would still call friends. It's a natural progression for artists to move and grow and this is what i have always strived for. Which brings me to my point..... ....On Monday I will sign to Parlophone, part of the EMI group. It is a label I have always admired and am super excited about signing to. I've wanted to tell you all for a while, as happy news should be shared, but until I knew everything was 10000% going ahead I thought I'd hold back to save myself from any embarrassment. Plus, some slightly angry private messages has encouraged me to tell you all. Hopefully I'll make your waiting worthwhile with my new record. To say my blood, sweat and tears have gone into it would be an understatement. Thanks again. Siobhan. x"

Clearly, her decision to join Parlophone and release new material is entirely thanks to our previous post on her sudden dissapearance off the face of pop. To say that SPUNK is excited, neh, ecstatic at the prospect of a full ablum from the ginger one would be an understatement.

THE JAWS OF POP: just imagine...

Click to enlarge.

ASHLEE SIMPSON: "I am me"

No shit,
me too!

X FACTOR: more phillip hilarity

Another very entertaining episode of The X Factor and, more importantly, the promise of another week of excruciatingly gauche stage antics from 21 year-old Phillip Magee. Whilst watching his country-style rendition of ‘Wind Beneath My Wings’ made us want to cut our forearms with rusty blades, we simply could not contain our excitement when the young Irishman expressed the desire to “do something a bit more rock’n’roll” for his next performance. Alas, semi-attractive boy-band 4Tune got the boot and The Conway Sisters are still in the competition.

SPUNK still definitely backs the lovely Shayne and the excellent Brenda.

BURT BACHARACH: really?

Old man Burt (one of the most accomplished song writers in pop history... in the 60s) releases new album on 1st of November. The record includes collaborations with Elvis Costello, Rufus Wainwright,... The.. err, The Black Eyed Peas and...Dr Dre!

Dre produces and provides drum loops for three out of the eleven tracks on the album, and 'Go Ask Shakespeare' with Rufus is a little gem that deserves all your attention. And look he's wearing an Adidas tracksuit on the sleeve!!

SPUNK: not just music, you know!

To celebrate our almost one-week anniversary, we thought we'd do something a bit special. We thought "Let's talk about something outside of the world of music for once!" Indeed, our first non-pop related entry should be something of an event. Something grandiose to mark the occasion with a punch.

Here is a nice picture of Ian Somerhalder, from Lost.

SPUNK SPINS: dancin' on the town

Each week (or so) we'll compile a short list of our favourite tunes to 'buy' online. Old or new, this is what we're listening to this week:

1. Rachel Stevens - Dumb Dumb (as it probably will never get a release)

2. Maximo Park - Apply Some Pressure

3. Moloko - Forever More

4. Sugababes - It Ain't Easy

5. Gorillaz - Dirty Harry

SIOBHAN DONAGHY: grossly overlooked

"Ain't she the ginger one that left Sugababes, just before they became a household name? What a pillick!" - Yes, that's the one. And with her, what is perhaps the most grossly overlooked album of our generation.

Revolution In Me, released two years ago, went straight into the bargain bin without a fan to call its own. But we don't care. We love her ginger locks and her fantastic collection of "give it a few listens", mercilessly addictive songs.

Come back, Siobhan. Come back.

RICKY MARTIN PART TWO: totally hardcore

RICKY MARTIN: "I don't care". oh, good

As Ricky Martin’s new effort LIFE storms into the album chart at number 40, we take some time to examine where his campaign went wrong. In Ricky’s words: “My dream is to unite lifestyles with my music, that is why I went from rock to Middle Eastern sounds, from Asian to Hip Hop, from Pop to Reggaeton, making it easy for people from all over the world to relate”.

Careful now, Ricky. This slightly Michael Jackson-esque, schizophrenic approach didn’t work for Mel B when she released her ground-breaking debut Hot, what makes you think it will work for you?

Let’s take a close look at the packaging: It seems the cover for LIFE aims to establish Martin as a credible artist, whilst crushing all gay ‘rumours’ in one felt swoop, with its serious, gritty feel, brooding stare, hard stubble and macho tattoo. Like a life-long sentence to the bon-bon prison, this CD is clearly marketed at hardcore hip-hop buyers. People who punctuate their sentences with ‘Dog!’ and ‘True-that’. And anyway, look: Fat Joe raps on several tracks, and he’s totally 1000% hardcore. It’s a Latino thing, Dog! True that.

Truth is we will probably always think of Ricky Martin as the Vida Loca guy who dances like an embarrassing dad on coke, or the guy that Madonna recorded a song and video with, then quickly got pregnant cuz she realised it was all a flash in the pan that didn’t deserve her time or effort.

DOLLY PARTON: those were the days

Would you just look at her! She's having so much damn fun! We feel like joinning in and buying the album. Even if it is country music.

MCFLY: getting it straight

With Busted's youthfull James Bourne spending the weekend at MJ's, and Charlie Simpson still drowning in the meanders of faux metal credibility, it is starting to dawn on us why the fans went along with McFly's brand of poptastic fun...

HUNG UP: video snippet

Madonna was on TRL (US) yesterday to show the viewers of MTV a snippet from her Hung Up video. It looks very good, and is directed by Johan Renck (Nothing Really Matters). You can view the clip from www.arjanwrites.com and see for yourself!

The UK premiere of the video in full will be on Thursday 27th October, on Channel4, at 11.05pm.

In other Madonna news, Apple will be releasing a special edition, pink iPod Nano in honnour of the release of Confessions on a Dancefloor. A bit like they did with U2, except better, because U2 suck and Madonna doesn't.

BREAKING NEWS: rachel stevens is bland!!!

- "Aah, that's better."

The fly-on-the-wall documentary ‘My World… Rachel Stevens’, which aired Sunday morning on T4, finally helped explain why the soft-core popstrel’s career doesn’t ever seem to ever take off. Ever.

Being attractive, fairly pleasant, or even raising awareness for testicular cancer couldn’t disguise the truth behind Rachel’s perpetual mediocre chart rankings… Indeed, after all the promoting, dancing, recording and posing, the documentary depicted a young woman who seemed much more at home… at home.

Handling her pop career with as much passion and drive as an art student temping as an accountant, we feel the poor girl should be left to cook M&S salmon at her mum’s, drink tea in her North London flat, and settle down with a nice Jewish husband.

Rachel’s album ‘Come and Get It’ is out today. Make a difference if you must, but we feel the crown for Best British Female Popstar should go to a slightly more determined, motivated and truly deserving artist.

Shame though, we rather liked Some Girls. Or when she tried to be a lesbian jailbird in the promo for I Said Never Again. Oh well.

FERGIE: wet patch

Still funny.

WILL YOUNG: he's gay!

Will Young is currently promoting his rear-of-the-year off for the release of third album Keep On. The video for first single Switch It On is inspired by homoerotic flick Top Gun and is rather good! It's a shame that the song is, however, a total shocker. Where have the beautifully-crafted lyrics and melodies of Leave Right Now gone? Perhaps the once timid and humble big-jawed one is beginning the doomed descent into the pits of believing his own hype, releasing screechy 'upbeat' tracks (see George Michael's Freeek), and coming across really quite arrogant on Parkinson.

Still, we at SPUNK have hope that future releases will showcase his vocal abilities to their full potential, and that the pouting and take-myself-seriously behaviour will make room for genuine smiles and commendable charity work.

Nice album cover tho.

X FACTOR: phillip's spasms

Phillip Magee's edgy use of 'shoulder spasms' sure kept us entertained during Saturday night's first live show of the X Factor. "A massive Elvis Presley fan", Phil reminds us of a younger, somewhat less attractive Val Kilmer. Though his eyes are too close together (an international sign of evil), we hope this "dark horse of the competition" will stay on and delight us with more hilariously awkward performances.

Sour losers of the night, Addictiv Ladies, took the usual disappointed-but-oh-well attitude a notch too far and became really quite threatening. Band-member Stephanie Yamson stepped up and promised we hadn't seen the last of them, which seemed to send their council-posse of friends and relatives in the audience into an uncontrollable frenzy. We can only hope that their tone-deaf massacre of Jamelia's "Superstar" will keep them well away from any microphone or other piece of recording equipment.

SPUNK LIKES:

Shayne Ward - Because we would.
Brenda Edwards - Because she can sing!

SPUNK DISLIKES:

The Conway Sisters - Terrifying Bellefire/B*witched/The Corrs hybrid. (Look out for eminent explosion of denim)
Nicholas Dorsett - Because one Lemar is enough.

MADONNA: camel-toe alert

Madonna's new album, Confessions On A Dancefloor, will be an "all-dance" affair. Mostly, we imagine, because trying to be political on American Life got her in the shit sales-wise. Nevertheless, it is something to look forward to. Here is the cover for first single Hung Up!

BIENVENUE

welcome to SPUNKmagazine.blogspot.com