LADY SOVEREIGN: provides a hypothesis concerning jentina's demise

what the fuck?
You was born in a caravan,
That don't make you ghetto
I seen more ghetto in posh spice's stelleto
You chat like a blonde but i swear your a brunette
When's your carrer endin'?
Tell me as soon as
'cause ur fuckin' annoyin' ma ears
with your bullshit walk and
bullshit talk and
crack head dances!
and you didnt get crap advances
Your record labels dumb
for signing a fitch
who can tracks her bum
whos still askin her mum "whats cum?"
your fake and you look k-cut
try wearing less make-up
you got a quiff like elvis
how can you sell this
"escalade, st tropez"
What escalade!?
i saw you drivin a Nissan Sunny
down Peckham way.

wanna wanna wanna b wanna b
sad arse strippah in a messed-up way
Get out da car 'n' drop ya hair sprays
wanna wanna wanna wanna b wanna b
sad arse stripper in a meseed-up way,
How da fuck did you get airplay?
fuckin' fake Fuckin' fake, fuckin' fake fuckin' fake

Jenny from da block more like jenny from a flock of pidgeons
What class A drug did they put in it?
Chicken- all spazin out in the video like you're trippin'
Incase your mum gave birth while she was strippin'
Shuka Shake, shake the brake your hips
And fall out of your caravan right into a ditch, bitch!

sad arse stripper in a messed-up way
How da f**k did ya get airplay?
fu**kin fake fuckin fake x2

I have come to fuck up your carerra
Bitch- dont fuck around wid dis titch, yeah!
I, have cum 2 really take da piss
And, you, will take dis lyrical dis'!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Ah, yeah!
You been chattin' bout ya gucci thongs
but how many weeks, bitch have u had it on (eurgh!)
I can tell by your dances
dat it's sum wear stuck up her bum (eurgh!)
burberraay... St. Tropeaay..
When are ya' gunna learn to speak properlaay?!
Who gives a shit anyway?
Just some dirty ol' men in cell block H

Fuckin' fake, Fuckin' fake, Fuckin' fake, Fuckin' fake

KELLY CLARKSON: is the shit

That's right, she is. She's always been and hopefully will be for a couple more ablums. If you haven't bought 'Breakaway' yet, you are a fool and clearly have been ignoring the very effective "everyone's talking about Kelly Clarkson!!" tv ads. Her new single is called Walk Away and it too is the shit. Much like its accompanying video, which brings a chuckle to our sour faces. "BUY IT!"

IF THIS WAS RELEASED AS A SINGLE: we would buy it

Click Here

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT: shakira

This won't do much for our hotmail account being bombarded with angry emails, but we at SPUNK can't quite shake off the feeling that there's something good about Shakira.

THE CONS: - She is really foreign. Not so much in the way that she's a tad mysterious and thinks that sex is somehow NORMAL, but in the way that you'd expect a foreign-exchange swedish girl to say "jesus christ" a lot, and probably not shave her armpits - She called Madonna 'spineless' for pulling the video for American Life - She yodels and generally sounds like she's singing from the back of her throat, Morrissey-style, which is never good.

THE PROS: - Underneath Your Clothes is the most irritating song in the world, yet it NEVER LEAVES YOUR HEAD ONCE SOMEONE HUMS IT AT WORK - She dances using hilarious body spasms! - Her pink guitar in the video for Don't Bother is amazing - She's got a fat arse and she rocks it, which is always good.

So there you have it. The female Enrique Iglesias somehow does it for us, and we're sorry. Je suis desole. Ik ben droovig. So Nos Piagente. Pardonna me.

THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS: beep this

Sorry this is of very poor taste, but far too hilarious to ignore - and yes, mostly because we hate them. (pic source: perez)

THE WEEK IN POP

Perhaps we should start writing about Project Catwalk... (Go curly-haired scouse girl!)

DARREN HAYE'S HAIR: we investigate

Darren Hayes' hair (say that 3 times really quickly) has undergone an impressive amount of change over the years. If we were a popstar, ours would too. Not because we'd be struggling to secure ourselves into a grounded, stable identity and therefore furiously trying on different styles in desperate search of inner peace, but because pop is a tart and it should therefore be tarted up.

In Mr Haye's case, we observe a severe decline in record sales correlating with an increased attractiveness in hairstyle. At his peak, back in the early days of Savage Garden, Darren sported a more experimental take on A1's Ben Adams' ridiculous curtains. Curtains = millions of record sales. Wonderful. However, for their second and last album, he decided to trim the barnet, becoming suddenly rather fanciable. Short, sexy hair = The Dumper.

A chillingly similar pattern emerges in his solo ventures. Back when (most amazing ballad ever) Insatiable was released, Darrs was spotted round town in a grotesque blonde, long, curly 'do. Bo-Peep Curls = Number 1 Hit Single! But again, when promoting his latest CD The Tension And The Spark (by far his best work yet), our fabulous popster went for the cropped chop, and so did his album sales.

And so we conclude with a word of advise to Darren: book some quality time at your local Essentuals for a cut and colour, and watch the dollars rake in by the bucket-load. We look forward to your glorious comeback.

SPUNK MAGAZINE: branching out! etc

Dearest readers, in the spirit of every single managazine/ newspaper/tv show in the history of the world ever, SPUNK MAGAZINE is "proud" to present OUR FIRST WEEKLY TOPICAL BAROMETER!

GOING UP:
Britney second baby rumours toughening
will this decade-long string of trashy behaviour ever get boring?

Will Young's penis on the cover of Heat Magazine
the world's best gossip mag never fails to prevail

Alan Carr's topical barometer
the only bareable bit in Channel4's The Friday Night Project

GOING DOWN:
Britney second baby rumours toughening
may delay new material being release if found to be true :(

The 2006 NME awards
using every single 'indie' stereotype in the book in the name of promoting real music. pop is definitely the new punk

Non-religious people fasting for lent
"it's just like a new year's resolution" - no it's not. now fuck off and eat chocolate

AGUI: back to basics

SO. EXITED. CAN'T. CONTAIN. INNEVITABLE. DISAPPOINTMENT.

Click Here Now for the footage we previously reported on, where Christina talks about her new album Back To Basics. Bit of a shit title, but she's currently just 'toying' with the idea, which means hopefully some half-human record executive will suggest something amazing. Like, 'Stripped 2' or something. Hurrah!

SPUNK SPINS: rihanna does human league

We skipped a week hoping some hot tihs would infiltrate our iTunes library... and it has:

1. Nelly Furtado - Maneater

2. Nelly Furtado - Promiscuous Girl

3. Rihanna - S.O.S. (Rescue Me)

4. William Orbit feat. Sugababes - Spiral

5. Massive Attack - Live With Me