JENNIFER LOPEZ: ohmygawd is she like pregnant???

Ohmygawd we totally couldn't give a flying fuck!!!

BRITNEY SPEARS: filthy whore

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ROBYN: be mine

The next single from Robyn's brilliant self-titled album is Handle Me. We think it should be this:

SIOBHAN DONAGHY: robbed blind. (again).

Van Outen comes along and steals the limelight away from beautiful Siobhan.

Bitch looks like an old tranny on the new poster.

KISH MINOGUE: two hearts

We heard the 'two hearts' demo by Kish Mauve and it is a pop triumph. Brave Kylie will be releasing it as the first single off of her new album, X. We expect Minogue's version to be in the style of her habitual oversexed breathy moan, but she does make for a better pop star than old Kish who is, it must be said, rather frumpy.

HI KIDS!