SPUNK MAGAZINE

THE X FACTOR 2009: a round-up so far

2009-10-28T12:40:00.014Z

Daniyeyil is a posh bellend with a giant mouth but is very good and I would definitely bum him.

Stacey is mostly funny but also good, and although I fear her afghan hound routine might get old very soon, she seems like a genuinely lovely girl.

John and Edward are fine by me.

Miss Frank were brilliant and it pains me that they have left.

Joe sings like a goat and surely only appeals to the elderly (there's a joke here about his surname sounding like 'elderly' but it most likely wouldn't be very funny)

Hat Boy should have never been put through to the live shows. Not selecting THE YANK HUNK (ethan somethingorother) was a huge mistake on Cheryl's part that I shan't forgive her for.

Lucie was good on Big Band week but is otherwise dull as dishwater.

Olly Murs is annoying but I would definitely bum him too (or let him bum me? not sure. he does have an enormous jaw, which bothers me a bit. I'll have a think about that).

I was a big supporter of Rachel but now think she is a bellend.

Lloyd should consider a career with east-european providers of twinkness Belami

Jamie Afro is a one-trick talentless cunt.

Robbie and Whitney were shit and definitely off their tits on drugs. Alexandra Burke is annoying and talks too much. Cheryl was brilliant. More next week!

THE EMPEROR OF PITY

2009-10-28T11:51:00.008Z

God, it's easy to forget how fat he was, isn't it?

Peter Andre's new video came on The Hits (or whatever they are calling it) last night and, frankly, knives through the eyes would have been kinder. Shimmy on over to your cutlery drawer 'cause here it is:

Whilst I haven't the slightest issue with someone making a career of being a greedy slut whoring out her disabled child, I take genuine offense to the blubbering, doe-eyed FESTIVAL OF PITY that this man has farted all over us of late.

"Everything I can't tell you about why I left Kate.", "Hate Kate, Buy My Album.", "Look At My Kids, Now Look At Her Tranny (Probably Paedophile) Boyfriend, Now Look At My Tears, Now Buy My Shit Album."

I understand that self-respect is not a factor to consider in this specific scenario, but have some fucking self-respect.

BREAKING NEWS: Keisha's Out

2009-10-28T11:28:00.008Z

First, a picture.

Such elegance!

I don't see what the big fuss was all about, she always had a major case of bitch face.

And it's no coincidence this all happened at the same time that Amelle got to number 1 with a solo project. She basically couldn't bare the attention being on someone else for a second, tried to get rid of (thin, tall) Amelle and it backfired in her big bitch face.

I say good riddance, a warm welcome to Jade and on with the show. It's not like the Sugababes had retained any credibility since the departure of poor Siobhan anyway.

Heidi better step-up her Slim-Fast game though, 'cause she's definitely the fat one now :(

RIHANNA'S ALBUM COVER

2009-10-28T10:49:00.004Z

OH GOD is she hiding another black eye? (n.b. domestic abuse is not funny).

I can't wait to play her new single at the weekend, when I'm straightening my hair and getting ready to go out with my girls! What? Oh, i see. No that's fine i'll just dust off Confessions On A Dancefloor.

ADAM LAMBERT'S ALBUM COVER

2009-10-28T10:24:00.004Z

You make up your own mind, I'm too hungover for this.

TRANNY CLOWN DROPS A STEAMER

2008-09-11T16:30:00.006+01:00

Christina Aguilera (checking for lumps below) has a new song for you, hav' a listen...

THE X FACTOR BOYS HAVE HUGE TITS

2007-11-13T13:30:00.000Z

Like, huuuuge. Here's Andy and Rhydian naked, showing off their big man tits.

WILL YOUNG IS NOT FUNNY

2007-11-11T15:17:00.002Z

MELANIE BROWN: momentarily genius

2007-11-09T20:54:00.000Z

Is this the weirdest fucking video you have ever seen? Yes it fucking is. We love it!

FANS OF SIOBHAN DONAGHY, FEAR NOT: a MySpace conversation

2007-11-06T22:20:00.000Z

Hello Spunk Magazine

I most certainly do plan to make another record. I don't have a minute to myself with Rent, which I'm loving, but as soon as my run finishes I'm looking forward to starting writing again! Siobhan xx

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: SPUNK MAGAZINE
Date: 16 Oct 2007, 22:10

hi siobhan

sorry i'm sure this is very unoriginal... but do you have any plans of recording a new album?

'ghosts' is wonderful and we want some more!

hope Rent's going well

spunk x

BRITNEY SPEARS: proud enablers

2007-10-03T18:52:00.000+01:00

It seems most bloggers want to see Britney's career go down the shitter.

We think she is a better pop star now than she has ever been. Bald, on drugs and waving umbrellas.

And clearly, we're not the only ones. Gimme More is number 1 on the American downloads chart.

Hurrah!

BRITNEY'S BACK ON FORM AND LOOKING HOT

2006-06-27T14:58:00.000+01:00

FUCK NERINA PALLOT AND SANDI THOM

2006-06-01T18:06:00.001+01:00

"Hi it's Nerins and Sands! We've recorded two really wicked albums for you to enjoy. We did everything ourselves on our laptops in some East London basement and now they're available in Sainsbury's, along with Jade, My Autobiography.

Hey, you can also download them online - it's cool actually cos we think the internet is like, a really great way to share and stuff. Anyway, we've just returned from the Gambia and we've still got little colourful dreads in our hair (as well as flowers! - Sandi) and we also got loads of lovely hand-stitched handbags & purses for our female friends, who we once went down on at Uni but let's not go into that one just yet!! So, basically right, we think war is really awful and we hope that maybe, just maybe, with enough tribal beeds round our necks we might be able to make a difference."

WHAT ARE THE PET SHOP BOYS DOING WITH THAT GIRL?

2006-05-23T16:07:00.000+01:00

Hang about... it's not the Pet Shop Boys at all! It's PALEDAY!!

Paleday are good because they don't record political songs about the evil doings of Tony Blair and that American one with his eyes too close together, they sing about having a good time and cool party people and cruising.

We have never been on a cruise ourselves, but you know what, we might just book one online right bloody now! That's the kind of influence Paleday could have on your lives, dearest readers. Do check out their MySpace page and official website.

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

2006-03-31T19:50:00.001+01:00

Siobhan Donaghy's back!

HOW TO RUIN A BEAUTIFUL DAY

2006-03-29T15:35:00.000+01:00

We're having a wonderful afternoon tidying the office and listening to The Hits digital radio, when suddenly... what's this? A U2 song on our favourite station? Oh well, best get up and flick over to 1Xtra (oh dear!). But wait, Bono's usual death drone seems to be layered with a familiar female voice. Who could this be? A backing singer trying to make a name for herself? No, no it's definitely someone we recognise... and loathe. She's - she's doing gospel on an old U2 song... it's, IT'S MARY J BLIGE!! TURN IT OVER BLOODY TURN IT OVER NOW

MIMI TURNS 36: riiight

2006-03-28T21:23:00.001+01:00

Still harvesting the attention gathered from her latest 'comeback album' like a crackhead on the lookout for cheap smack, Mariah was recently spotted out and about (jeans firmly tucked in boots) celebrating her 36th birthday. Now, call us cynical, but hasn't girlfriend been in her mid-30s for about two decades? She certainly looks like it. We miss the days of Charm Bracelet ("of what?" - exactly), when no one bought her music and she totally lost the plot.

JOURNEY SOUTH: are so beige

2006-03-25T10:46:00.000Z

WILL YOUNG'S NEW VIDEO: "refreshing"

2006-03-24T19:32:00.000Z

"It's so refreshing to see an artist not take themselves too seriously and coming up with really quite imaginative concepts for their pop promos, rather than the egocentric nonsense found in so many of today's videos. Ooh not so sure about the 60s hair though! But what do I know - I'm just a young housewife with two children hoping neither of them will turn out queer. Now where's that darn garlic press?"

Watch Who Am I here.

SPUNK SPINS: james and corinne can f off

2006-03-22T19:32:00.000Z

This week, providing a controversial alternative to James Clunt and Corinne Bailey Bore!

1. Jentina - Mysterious

2. Fallout Boy - Dance Dance

3. Kate Bush - Sunset

4. Hot Chip - Over & Over

5. Telepopmuzik - Yesterday Was A Lie

ARE FALLOUT BOY THE NEW BUSTED?

2006-03-22T15:48:00.000Z

Yankee bum-chums Fallout Boy emerged onto the 'nu rock' scene (or whatever the kids are calling that racket these days!) with a distinctly forgettable debut single called We're Not Quite Sure What. In a predictable market where the daring is ignored and the middle-of-the-road is consistently rewarded, the song stormed the American singles chart and sold millions.

"Yeah, and?" - we hear you ponder. Well it seems that the aformentioned safe and middle-of-the-road recipe for success employed to promote Fallout Boy was shaken to its very core when, two weeks ago, a string of hilarious naked self-portraits of (rather gay and well buff) guitarist Pete Wentz leaked onto the intranot for all to see. Becoming suddenly interesting, we decided to keep tabs on the band's next release. AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW!! IT'S A CORKER!!!

Dance Dance is everything that great pop should be, should you foolishly choose to drain it of all its fun by adding layer upon layer of 'hardcore' guitars. Which means it's good but kind of wrong, but really quite good. The video is a bit lame, favouring the overly exploited highschool Freaks & Geeks versus The Popular Kids-theme. It does however have some great 50s dancing and, as expected, a lot of Pete (with clothes on) smiling at the camera and kissing a girl. That's GIRL.

RIHANNA: pisses on beyonce

2006-03-21T00:05:00.000Z

Fairly average popstar Rihanna has done more than deliver the goods by releasing S.O.S. (Rescue Me) as her next single. We've mentioned it before on SPUNK SPINS and figured enough radio airplay would ensure a satisfactory dose of this truly amazing pop song in our lives.

BUT IT HASN'T!!! Our iTunes play-count doesn't lie, and it screams that we have officially become obsessed. Every now and then we think to ourselves "if I had to become deaf from listening to one song so loudly my ears would bleed until they disintegrated, it would be this one". Well dearest readers, at this very moment in time, it's this one.

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO: jentina

2006-03-16T12:54:00.000Z

In what was possibly one of our favourite releases of 2004, Jentina's Bad Ass Strippa got us all excited at the prospect of a new pop act on the market that didn't entirely suck. With an LV dirt-bag-fabulous styling that would have Rachel Stevens squirm in her pleather boots, this london scally doll worked with the industry's best (Stephane Sednaoui on videos, Cathy Denis on lyrics) and saw more money being thrown at her in the first two months of her 'career' than Westlife's entire promotional budget. Two disapointing chart entries later (the second being AMAZING POP SONG French Kisses), and Jentina was officially off the radar, probably back in the same family trailer she escaped to become a table dancer-slash-rapper at age 16 (oh how we do love a well written biog!).

Somewhere in the world, her album Do Not Disturb is sitting quietly, raking up dust and yellowed memories of what pop ingenuity could have been. We'll give you a lung in exchange for a copy if you can find one.

LADY SOVEREIGN: provides a hypothesis concerning jentina's demise

2006-03-16T12:44:00.000Z

what the fuck?
You was born in a caravan,
That don't make you ghetto
I seen more ghetto in posh spice's stelleto
You chat like a blonde but i swear your a brunette
When's your carrer endin'?
Tell me as soon as
'cause ur fuckin' annoyin' ma ears
with your bullshit walk and
bullshit talk and
crack head dances!
and you didnt get crap advances
Your record labels dumb
for signing a fitch
who can tracks her bum
whos still askin her mum "whats cum?"
your fake and you look k-cut
try wearing less make-up
you got a quiff like elvis
how can you sell this
"escalade, st tropez"
What escalade!?
i saw you drivin a Nissan Sunny
down Peckham way.

wanna wanna wanna b wanna b
sad arse strippah in a messed-up way
Get out da car 'n' drop ya hair sprays
wanna wanna wanna wanna b wanna b
sad arse stripper in a meseed-up way,
How da fuck did you get airplay?
fuckin' fake Fuckin' fake, fuckin' fake fuckin' fake

Jenny from da block more like jenny from a flock of pidgeons
What class A drug did they put in it?
Chicken- all spazin out in the video like you're trippin'
Incase your mum gave birth while she was strippin'
Shuka Shake, shake the brake your hips
And fall out of your caravan right into a ditch, bitch!

sad arse stripper in a messed-up way
How da f**k did ya get airplay?
fu**kin fake fuckin fake x2

I have come to fuck up your carerra
Bitch- dont fuck around wid dis titch, yeah!
I, have cum 2 really take da piss
And, you, will take dis lyrical dis'!
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Ah, yeah!
You been chattin' bout ya gucci thongs
but how many weeks, bitch have u had it on (eurgh!)
I can tell by your dances
dat it's sum wear stuck up her bum (eurgh!)
burberraay... St. Tropeaay..
When are ya' gunna learn to speak properlaay?!
Who gives a shit anyway?
Just some dirty ol' men in cell block H

Fuckin' fake, Fuckin' fake, Fuckin' fake, Fuckin' fake

KELLY CLARKSON: is the shit

2006-03-11T21:31:00.000Z

That's right, she is. She's always been and hopefully will be for a couple more ablums. If you haven't bought 'Breakaway' yet, you are a fool and clearly have been ignoring the very effective "everyone's talking about Kelly Clarkson!!" tv ads. Her new single is called Walk Away and it too is the shit. Much like its accompanying video, which brings a chuckle to our sour faces. "BUY IT!"

IF THIS WAS RELEASED AS A SINGLE: we would buy it

2006-03-10T11:56:00.000Z

Click Here

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT: shakira

2006-03-08T22:54:00.000Z

This won't do much for our hotmail account being bombarded with angry emails, but we at SPUNK can't quite shake off the feeling that there's something good about Shakira.

THE CONS: - She is really foreign. Not so much in the way that she's a tad mysterious and thinks that sex is somehow NORMAL, but in the way that you'd expect a foreign-exchange swedish girl to say "jesus christ" a lot, and probably not shave her armpits - She called Madonna 'spineless' for pulling the video for American Life - She yodels and generally sounds like she's singing from the back of her throat, Morrissey-style, which is never good.

THE PROS: - Underneath Your Clothes is the most irritating song in the world, yet it NEVER LEAVES YOUR HEAD ONCE SOMEONE HUMS IT AT WORK - She dances using hilarious body spasms! - Her pink guitar in the video for Don't Bother is amazing - She's got a fat arse and she rocks it, which is always good.

So there you have it. The female Enrique Iglesias somehow does it for us, and we're sorry. Je suis desole. Ik ben droovig. So Nos Piagente. Pardonna me.

THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS: beep this

2006-03-08T20:19:00.000Z

Sorry this is of very poor taste, but far too hilarious to ignore - and yes, mostly because we hate them. (pic source: perez)

THE WEEK IN POP

2006-03-08T13:01:00.000Z

Perhaps we should start writing about Project Catwalk... (Go curly-haired scouse girl!)

DARREN HAYE'S HAIR: we investigate

2006-03-02T23:03:00.000Z

Darren Hayes' hair (say that 3 times really quickly) has undergone an impressive amount of change over the years. If we were a popstar, ours would too. Not because we'd be struggling to secure ourselves into a grounded, stable identity and therefore furiously trying on different styles in desperate search of inner peace, but because pop is a tart and it should therefore be tarted up.

In Mr Haye's case, we observe a severe decline in record sales correlating with an increased attractiveness in hairstyle. At his peak, back in the early days of Savage Garden, Darren sported a more experimental take on A1's Ben Adams' ridiculous curtains. Curtains = millions of record sales. Wonderful. However, for their second and last album, he decided to trim the barnet, becoming suddenly rather fanciable. Short, sexy hair = The Dumper.

A chillingly similar pattern emerges in his solo ventures. Back when (most amazing ballad ever) Insatiable was released, Darrs was spotted round town in a grotesque blonde, long, curly 'do. Bo-Peep Curls = Number 1 Hit Single! But again, when promoting his latest CD The Tension And The Spark (by far his best work yet), our fabulous popster went for the cropped chop, and so did his album sales.

And so we conclude with a word of advise to Darren: book some quality time at your local Essentuals for a cut and colour, and watch the dollars rake in by the bucket-load. We look forward to your glorious comeback.

SPUNK MAGAZINE: branching out! etc

2006-03-02T05:29:00.000Z

Dearest readers, in the spirit of every single managazine/ newspaper/tv show in the history of the world ever, SPUNK MAGAZINE is "proud" to present OUR FIRST WEEKLY TOPICAL BAROMETER!

GOING UP:
Britney second baby rumours toughening
will this decade-long string of trashy behaviour ever get boring?

Will Young's penis on the cover of Heat Magazine
the world's best gossip mag never fails to prevail

Alan Carr's topical barometer
the only bareable bit in Channel4's The Friday Night Project

GOING DOWN:
Britney second baby rumours toughening
may delay new material being release if found to be true :(

The 2006 NME awards
using every single 'indie' stereotype in the book in the name of promoting real music. pop is definitely the new punk

Non-religious people fasting for lent
"it's just like a new year's resolution" - no it's not. now fuck off and eat chocolate

AGUI: back to basics

2006-03-02T04:55:00.000Z

SO. EXITED. CAN'T. CONTAIN. INNEVITABLE. DISAPPOINTMENT.

Click Here Now for the footage we previously reported on, where Christina talks about her new album Back To Basics. Bit of a shit title, but she's currently just 'toying' with the idea, which means hopefully some half-human record executive will suggest something amazing. Like, 'Stripped 2' or something. Hurrah!

SPUNK SPINS: rihanna does human league

2006-03-02T03:43:00.000Z

We skipped a week hoping some hot tihs would infiltrate our iTunes library... and it has:

1. Nelly Furtado - Maneater

2. Nelly Furtado - Promiscuous Girl

3. Rihanna - S.O.S. (Rescue Me)

4. William Orbit feat. Sugababes - Spiral

5. Massive Attack - Live With Me

XTINA: promotes her new album on US trl

2006-02-26T19:51:00.000Z

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RELEASE IT NOW!!!1111!1111111!!!!!ELEVEN!!!!111111!111!!!

RICKY MARTIN: is so gay

2006-02-26T19:49:00.000Z

KYLIE MINOGUE: grey gardens

2006-02-25T21:14:00.000Z

Here is the first sign of a pop princess on her way back to pop glory (if you choose to ignore the Over The Rainbow online single, which we will)... a 'Grey Gardens' inspired photoshoot for Another Magazine: (pic source: trent.blogspot.com)

GWEN STEFANI: sixth single 'crash'

2006-02-24T19:36:00.000Z

Preggers to buggery and SIXTEEN FUCKING MONTHS after 'dropping' Love.Angel.Music.Baby., bitch is still releasing singles from her tired-arse debut album.
G
O
A
W
A
Y

THE NME AWARDS 2006: yeah, wicked!

2006-02-24T00:33:00.000Z

"Wow, that was so cool and anti-establishment. Like a giant 'fuck you!' to the manufactured crap in the charts. Exept when Sugababes did I Bet You Look Good Etc, what was that about?? I'm so glad the Arctic Monkeys won everything - they are so excellent and credible. Lol! Right, let's pop down to HMV and buy the new Editors album (the critics seem to love it!) as well as Ian Brown's greatest hits cd, yeah, well good, wicked."

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO: tyler james

2006-02-23T22:18:00.000Z

We once sat on the tube opposite a very good-looking, very over-styled Tyler James, and thought 'ooh, spotted!'. Until we realised the unlikely lord was on the verge of a mini breakdown, fighting hard to hold back the tears and finding comfort in the soothing touch of an older lady (manager? faghag? mother?). But where is young Tyler now? "IN THE DUMPER", we hear you shout.

Well, if he is, we're blaming his record company for the ridiculous biography posted on his official website, which states the following: "If the lads round Tyler's way did anything for a living it certainly wasn't singing; these days most of Tyler's mates are in prison". Mkay then!

BLOODY HELL, NELLY FURTADO: maneater

2006-02-21T22:35:00.000Z

Listen to THIS, and count the seconds before you forget all about the bad b.o. rumours and hyper-active boxtalks, and become entirely enthralled in the genius that is Nelly Furtado's new sound. Whoa.

LENNY KRAVITZ: absolut sellout

2006-02-21T20:15:00.000Z

Such great album covers but such poor material over the past five years... Click Here

MIKE SKINNER: aka mike skinner

2006-02-21T00:26:00.000Z

Now we know some (most) of you will be of the opinion that Mike Skinner belongs under a truck, but we at SPUNK must admit to have always been fond of the wise-cracking pikey.

Whilst being fully aware that all of his songs get unbelievably irritating after a few weeks of incessant airplay on Radio One, new single When You Wasn't Famous is currently still very fresh and, well, brilliant.

SUGABABES: wearing red dresses!!!

2006-02-20T23:03:00.000Z

Take a look at Sugababes' new video for Red Dress HERE

SPUNK MAGAZINE: a charity appeal

2006-02-20T22:37:00.000Z

- "I shouldn't be here"

2006-02-20T22:36:00.000Z

- "I shouldn't be here"

2006-02-20T22:35:00.000Z

- "Oi! What you f***ing implyin?... well i s'pose I shouldn't be here"

2006-02-20T22:34:00.000Z

- "That's ignorant, I am peter pan etc"

To help more popstars from the heartache of failure, show your support and send just £2/month to this address: Click Here

DO YOU REMEMBER AINSLIE?

2006-02-17T21:52:00.000Z

WE BLOODY DO! And how could we forget! Keep Me A Secret was such a great song!

Download it now!

Exclamation mark!

SPUNK SPINS: max martin rules!

2006-02-17T07:34:00.000Z

What we've been listening to this week at SPUNK HQs:

1. The Veronicas - 4Ever

2. ABBA - Super Trouper

3. Sugababes - I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor

4. The Boyfriends - I Love You

5. Pink - You And Your Hand

THE BRITS 06: what a load of old shite

2006-02-16T22:29:00.000Z

James Blunt and Katie Melua nominated for best pop? What. Ever.

LL COOL J: featuring her with the fat bum

2006-02-15T03:51:00.000Z

We sure don't mean to get all Urban Flavaz on your arses, but is THIS the sound of '06?

SUGABABES: it's all gone menudo

2006-02-14T03:38:00.000Z

We have finally witnessed our first New Line-Up Sugababes appearance on today's Top Of The Pops on bbc2, and we have this to say:

1. Amelle is much prettier than the pictures we've seen online.

2. Amelle's voice is husky, much like Mutya's. But is it as good?

3. Amelle is quite the little bit of fit.

4. Keisha's hair is suddenly huge, which only adds to her superiority and 'queen b' appeal, being the only original member left.

GOD BLESS YOUTUBE

2006-02-13T04:29:00.000Z

Just like time travel, video hosting website YouTube allows us popsters to relive the better days of music!

SPUNK SPINS: kelis still "a bit Marmite"

2006-02-10T07:52:00.000Z

1. Pink - Stupid Girls

2. Kelis - I'm Bossy

3. Ne*Yo - So Sick (shameful but true- Ed)

4. Sugababes - Red Dress

5. David Hasselhoff - Je T'aime Means I Love You (not shameful at all- Ed)

KELIS: is bossy

2006-02-10T05:01:00.000Z

Back with a new 'do and blue poodle, Kelis' come-back single I'm Bossy is a bit marmite at the moment, but we'll give it a few listens and get back to you.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2006-02-10T04:25:00.000Z

"POPWORLD presenters Simon Amstell and Miquita Oliver are quitting the show after five years at the helm. The double act will host their last programme in April. Miquita said: "I started Popworld at the age of 16 so for me it's a bit like leaving school.

"With Popworld I've had the most brilliant time and I'm so proud of everything Simon and I have done with the show." Simon, 26, plans to continue writing and stand-up and to embark on new broadcasting projects. Miquita, 21, is being lined up for new T4 and Pure T4 projects. New presenters will be announced later this spring and the show will continue in its Saturday morning slot."

(source: thesun.co.uk)

MADONNA'S NEW VIDEO: premieres here

2006-02-09T06:01:00.000Z

Watch SORRY now

VIVA FOREVER, A RETROSPECTIVE: part I - Geri Halliwell

2006-02-08T21:38:00.000Z

Dearest readers, let's take a walk; a walk down Spice Lane...... Many years ago, back when Honeyz were a force to be reckoned with, five feisty young girls took over the entire world (or, "Spice World" - as it bloody were). With their unique blend of Simon Fuller management, Geri Halliwell, Emma Bunton, Melanie B/G, Melanie C and Victoria Beckham are responsible for some of our generation's finest pop recordings. With this is mind, and with talks of the girls reuniting for a 2006 world tour, SPUNK MAGAZINE proudly presents: the Spice Girls, VIVA FOREVER: A Retrospective. A bit like when the V&A did Vivienne Westwood, but for pop music.

Before we go on, we should point out that this aint just any old re-hash of the girls' glory days as the planet's leading girl-band, no no no, this is the real thick of it - the fascinating craftsmanship that so superbly squeezed into every beautifully packaged album released with the Girl Power seal of approval: THEIR SOLO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!! ARGHGHHHH, SO EXCITED!!!11!!1111!

Hold on to your platforms, cuz here we bloody go:
This was the first release by a solo Spice, after Geri left her band-mates to carry on as a four-piece, but let's not mention the whole Forever fiasco. Schizo-phonic came in two different packages, one white, showcasing Geri's soft, tender, ballad side. Another, red, putting forward the fiery, sexy-in-bras, power-tunes-Geri that we all knew and loved. Genius.
"LOOOOOOoooooK AT ME", moaned Geri on her first solo venture. Accompanied by a dramatic black and white video, in which the 'old union jack' Geri was put to rest and where the 'new, friends with george michael serious artist re-inventing herself' Geri was born, the first single off Schizo-phonic topped the charts!
What followed can only be described as a disjointed amalgam of conflicting imagery, all voicing a desperate need for subsisted global recognition. Second single Mi Chico Kachino jumped on the then-popular (what were we thinking) latino craze. Geri was seen canoodling around a mediterranean love-boat with a bevy of scantily-clad homosexuals (a Pink Pound's milkless tit from which she dry-sucked the very livelihood it usually comes associated with - but more on that later). Although Kachino charted well, it seemed the Album was quickly disappearing from the charts...
In came third single Lift Me Up. ...This was the first sign that something may be really wrong with Geri Haliwell. As in, medically. Not only was the single's success based entirely on her sudden romantic link with lame, washed-out, fugly ginger, ex-radio dj chris evans (if you're gonna lie about dating someone to make money, pick someone fit! or at least popular), but the video was an INEXPLICABLE STINKER. Lost on the open road, on board a blue convertible car, Geri breaks down, only to be rescued by space midgets with silver faces. Riiight.
Anyway, back to the gays. "Right everyone, my career is a bit all over the place at the moment, let's put something out that'll really show people what I'm all about!". Cue Bag It Up. A factory of hot-pants wearing men bunnies are BAGGING (do you see?) a wonderful, pink product called GIRL POWDER (do you see... yeah). How self-deprecating! Genius. Well, no it's not. It's bloody desperate, and the album sank so deep it never recovered. Too much money was spent, too many marketing people were hired and fired. Geri's first album failed miserably. Oh well, best go back to the drawing board with a new strategy. A good one! (to be continued...)

SORRY: madge on skates

2006-02-08T01:40:00.000Z

LOOK! It's another still from Madge's new video Sorry!
Ooh and that fit chinoise guy with the funny name is still there, excellent! The vid will premiere here at 10pm on wednesday (tomorrow), MIMO.

GOOD GOD WOMAN

2006-02-07T07:45:00.000Z

We usually stick up hard for Agui's experimental style, but if this doesn't make Heat's Circle Of Shame pages, we'll remortgage the house.

MADONNA: more leotards for Sorry

2006-02-05T07:59:00.000Z

Sneak peak at Madonna's new video for second single Sorry: Source: trent.blogspot.com

SPUNK SPINS: spunk with a k

2006-02-03T07:57:00.000Z

1. Kandy Floss - I Want It All

2. Friday Hill - One More Night Alone

3. Dead Or Alive - What I Want

4. Madonna - Sorry (Pet Shop Boys Remix)

5. Tiga - (Far From) Home

PETE BURNS: a lesson in pop

2006-02-03T06:49:00.000Z

This is gold dust

SPUNK PROUDLY SINGS: we love Friday Hill!

2006-02-03T05:58:00.000Z

Their first single Baby Goodbye was ok. We liked that Kenzie had ditched The Squad to recycle himself in a much more marketable way, with the help of fellow bandmates Mus and James. The song charted respectably and we hoped to hear more solid pop from the boys very soon. Have they delivered? Yes, they bloody have.

One More Night Alone is quite simply genius uk urban boyband meets acoustic pop, and we just can't get enough of Kenzie's inappropriate 'rapping' and groaning between each (well) sung verse and chorus. Vsist their website, buy their single, and pray that Radio Coldplay will eventuallly add them onto their saggy playlist (somewhere between Arctic Monkeys and Hard_Fi). Friday Hill, SPUNK hearts you big time. FridayHill.com

K-FED: oh do piss off

2006-02-03T05:12:00.000Z

See Kevin bobbin his silly little head to his first single PapalaZaru.

We could try and think of something witty and cutting to say, but there seems to be little point: it's simply God awful and destined to fail.

Click Here

BOY GEORGE: phwwooaar

2006-02-02T03:05:00.000Z

KUBB: must-buy music

2006-02-01T05:51:00.000Z

- "Hiii, I'm Lisa L'Anson, my voice is reeeal smooth and nothing like Radio One's Nemone, and i do incessant voice-overs for any old shit on promo at Asda... AND THIS IS KUBB. Their new album 'Mother' is amaaaaziing. It's full of great songs that are really good and great. I've never actually heard any of them but the tv ads are very convincing. Buy it!"

- "What? Oh ai, KUBB are a fantastic band. Some people speculate the lead singer is really ginger and furiously dyes his hair daily, on the count of all the freckles, but me, Edith Bowman, i personally think he looks very indie, very non-mainstream. Which means good. You can get their fantastic album 'Mother' from Sainsburry's for a wicked £8.99! That's how much my credibility is worth! I'm sorry i must dash now - there's an envelope being openned somehwere in Brixton and i need a new pair of ugg boots to go with my floral poncho. Haggis."

JORDAN: someone give that girl a proper record deal

2006-01-31T06:28:00.000Z

PINK: spoofs Sessica

2006-01-30T08:08:00.000Z

As previously reported on SPUNK, Pink is back with a new album called I'm Not Dead, of which this is the cover (ignore the annoying 'urban bridgez' tag): Whilst this is a screen-cap from the video for first single Stupid Girls, in which Pink spoofs Sessica Jimpson's latest whore-fest promo, These Boots Are Made For Walkin:

SPANISH HOUSEWIFE DOES HUNG UP: so lowly

2006-01-30T03:56:00.000Z

This is a sight to behold: Click Here

SUGABABES: the new line-up

2006-01-29T09:56:00.000Z

Here is one of the first official pictures of the Sugababes with new band member Amelle.And here they are again on the cover for new single Red Dress. Ain't Amelle got a small head? A bit like that one from Mis-Teeq that sang like a man.

ALL SAINTS: "the right side of cool"

2006-01-29T01:50:00.000Z

Excellent news for those of you (including us) who have missed All Saints: they're back! Shaznay Lewis, Melanie Blatt, Sadie Frost and The Other One are said to have signed a long-term deal with EMI, admitting spectacular defeat on solo projects (although we were rather fond of Shaznay's album but i suppose it wasn't exactly genius oh well) and promising to work hard on new material.

Expect their first single to be released before the end of the year, and pray they haven't given up on baggy trousers and other dikey attire, which made them so much cooler than the Spice Girls in 1997. (SO SORRY ginger, sporty, posh, baby and scary LOVE YOU REALLY xxxx)

WELCOME BACK!

2006-01-28T05:44:00.000Z

And what have you been up to?

NEW YEAR RE-CAP: of the last three weeks

2005-12-31T00:28:00.000Z

In the spirit of endless New Year re-caps dominating the intranot and VH1, we thought we'd do one covering the last three weeks of pop. We could have done the whole year but can't be bothered and it's never that interesting, or fun. So here we go:

1. We bought Girls Aloud's new album and it's fantastic, forcing us to eat our hats and go back on our words stating that they may have "lost it a bit". We've been listening to the intro of Biology over and over and have decided it is possibly the best pop intro of 2005. It's unfortunately still all downhill from then on, but the rest of the album makes up for it.

And that is that! Three weeks which, you'll agree, reflect the general state of pop in 2005: IN NEED OF A GOOD LOLLY SURGE. Here's to hoping Kylie comes back with something great in 2006, happy new year.

SPUNK xx

ps. SPUNK HQs are relocating to North London, we will therefore be inactive until we have the Telewest man round. You can feast on our archives whilst we're gone. x

SORRY: one thousand Madonnas!!!

2005-12-30T23:45:00.000Z

This is the artwork for Madonna's new single Sorry:
Or maybe it's this, we're not quite sure:

SPUNK SPINS: Debbie Harry sings in french! badly!

2005-12-30T00:21:00.000Z

1. Hi_Tack - Say Say Say

2. Girls Aloud - Watch Me Go

3. Jose Gonzales - Heartbeats

4. Blondie - Denis

5. Daft Punk - Make Love

RICHARD ASHCROFT COMPETITION: results

2005-12-28T05:17:00.000Z

Dearest SPUNK readers, here are the three finalists for our amazing DESIGN YOUR OWN RICHARD ASHCROFT CD SLEEVE competition:

David Roper from New York submitted this little gem. Superb! However, David, a keen eye will no doubt notice you used the popular Tahoma font to write the name of the artist and the album's imaginative title, when we quite specifically asked for Times New Roman. No harm done, but read the guidelines carefully next time.

Sven Roock from Sweden sent us this impressive design. A personal favourite of ours and potential winner, had it not been for the inexplicable green rectangle located in the picture's background. Sven, nowhere does it state in our '9 easy-step guide' that the picture should contain a green rectangle! I mean, what is this, a PetShopBoys cd sleeve competition?! No it is not.

Laura Burrows from Wales, congratulations. A no-brainer: the picture is breathtaking, the font is right, and there are no green shapes of any form in the background. Ladies and Gentlemen, your winner.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY: mimi's 17th

2005-12-25T23:02:00.000Z

Mariah has recently celebrated her 17th Number 1 single in America with Don't Forget About Us, according to their Billboard Piping Hot 674 Countdown, or some nonesuch chart they have out there. It's a big deal as only the The Beatles have scored more number ones in the States.

We at SPUNK aren't too sure whether that's a good thing, as she is clearly a vile creature of insanely bloated proportions, yet we seem to have most of her albums on our iPods, and we're somewhat eternally greateful for the mental phase and suicide attempts that followed Glitter, as well as the hilarious string of sex-crazed outfits and poses in her recent videos and public appearances. (£1 to whoever can find a screen-cap of her leg over the swimming-pool in the video for Don't Forget About Us).

Mimi, you vile, vile thing; we hate to love you.

KEVIN FEDERLINE: never judge a book

2005-12-25T22:36:00.000Z

This is leaving us rather speechless: http://www.kevinfederline.com/

WE DON'T UNDERSTAND WILL'S NEW VIDEO

2005-12-23T23:42:00.000Z

What on earth is it meant to be about? A homage to Cuban liberation in which William plays Che Guevara? An assembled string of slow long-shots and close-ups of people wearing strange veils? A retro, sexually ambiguous revisiting of The Dreamers? It seems Will struggles to get both videos and songs right at the same time.

PINK: "I'm not dead"

2005-12-23T22:57:00.000Z

"Pink is so over", "Isn't she a man in drag?", "She's such a clit-tease". Hush we say! The gayest straight girl in Pop (who used to be RnB and now kinda Rock etc get over it) is B. A. C. K. with a new album called I'm Not Dead - do you see? Because she's been out of the limelight for a while people might have assumed she was dead. Well she's not. Good.

She's shot two videos for two different songs for the first single, cuz she couldn't decide which song she liked best or some nonsense, but either way it will not be a double a-side. Repeat NOT A DOUBLE A-SIDE. One song is called You And Your Hand, which is about men feeling girls up in clubs (Pink is so strong and independent, we just know she won't stand for that) and the other song, Stupid Girl, spoofs the young, superficial Hollywood, Hilton-style girls (Pink is so strong and independent, we just know etc).

This is all good news. Not as good news as, say, Britney or Christina being back with new material but good none-the-less.

SPUNK COMPETITION: make your own Richard Ashcroft cd sleeve!

2005-12-23T07:58:00.000Z

Dear readers, we urge you to partake in our very first online competition. It is called: MAKE YOUR OWN RICHARD ASHCROFT CD SLEEVE! Interactive! To do so, simply take a look at Rich's amazing album cover for forthcoming lp Keys To The World:

Inspired yet? Thought so. Well, in order to help you on your way to free artistic expression, just follow our '9 easy-step guide' to MAKING YOUR OWN RICHARD ASHCROFT CD SLEEVE:

Step 1: Take a picture of yourself walking down a street

Step 2: Write 'Richard Ashcroft Keys To The World' in the top, left-hand corner in Times New Roman

Step 3: oh...

Step 9: Congratulations! You're a talented album sleeve designer earning millions from trendy commissions!! Fantastic.

Now send us your masterpieces to spunkmagazine@hotmail.co.uk and we promise to post the best ones very soon. Get creative!

THEFT: the greatest form of flattery

2005-12-23T07:22:00.000Z

SPUNK SPINS: la la land

2005-12-23T06:43:00.000Z

What we've been loving this week at SPUNK HQ...

1. Green Velvet - La La Land

2. The Ones - Flawless (radio vocal edit)

3. Will Young - Home

4. West End Girls - West End Girls

5. Beyonce - Check On It

SHAYNE WARD: that's my goat!

2005-12-22T05:30:00.000Z

In other pop News, Shayne Ward has rather predictably won The X Factor. His first single That's My Goal has hit the shelves today and is very rubbish, in fact possibly worse than most Westlife songs (although the recent ones have been slightly more bareable, maybe they're getting better, maybe we're bored of being so damn negative about them oh i dunno etc.) Our favourite bits on the last few X Factor shows were 1) when everybody started crying about bins and mums, and 2) when Kate Thornton said to Andy, as he picked up the remains of his pride as runner up of the ITV competition, that he "may be a bin-man, but you're certainly not rubbish". What a cunt. Hip Hip Chin Chin for this year's X FACTOR!!!!! Almost as good as Pop Idol 1.

UPDATE! Click here: http://entertainment.msn.co.uk/music/musicvideos5/Default.asp for an exclusive look at Shayne Ward's new video. Now that's what we call a video. It has slow-motion bits where Shayne auditions for the show, having no idea whatsoever about the incredible journey he is about to embark on, and a particularly amazing slow-motion bit where Kate Thornton announces he wozzZZZZZzzzz zzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzz

SUGABABES: Amelle Berrabah

2005-12-22T04:37:00.000Z

According the Popjustice.co.uk (a fair reference allows for one to rip off shamelessly), this young lady serves as replacement for Mutya Sugababes, who has officially left the band today. This is very sad news as we're clearly still bleeding from Siobhan's departure 12 years ago, but kind of exciting at the same time as the 'Babes need a bit of new blood after this year's yankee-bum-chum Taller In More Ways.

Her name is Amelle Berrabah, she looks a bit like Mutya (which is great cuz another white girl would have sucked - sorry Heidi), she seems to have funny eyes and lips but that could be the badly photoshopped picture, or maybe that's just how she looks WE JUST DON'T KNOW AT THIS VERY EARLY STAGE.

COLIN MURRAY: likes 'em fresh

2005-12-17T02:54:00.000Z

Hear Radio Coldplay's Colin Murray claiming to be fond of fondling his 14 year-old neighbour's boobs, seconds before a Newsbeat report of a peadophile arrested on grounds of assaulting a twelve year-old girl: http://www.themailout.co.uk/audio/colinedith.mp3

VICTORIA BECKHAM: tickles poo bay

2005-12-16T23:38:00.000Z

Finally! Skeletor has found her niche from which to amass millions and earn the respect of her peers, family and press:

http://www.rowanlea.com/novelties/x-wipes/facesforfeces/poshwipes.html

SPUNK MAGAZINE: ghost town

2005-12-14T19:21:00.000Z

Yeah sorry it's been pretty dead lately. There has been a terrible, terrible fire at SPUNK towers and we're trying to salvage all our belongings. Our office cat died in the blaze, which is very sad and we're kinda depressed about the whole affair... Not really. Back very soon!

SPUNK xx

DEAR EMINEM: curtain call

2005-12-03T18:21:00.000Z

Dear Eminem,
Please stop writing whingey songs about how much being a rap star is keeping you away from your daughter Hailie. "Have you ever loved someone so much, you'd give an arm for? Not the expression, no, literally give an arm for?".

We will happily cut all our limbs off and fedex them to you if you promise to go back to the light-hearted nature of your former glories. Not that 'Ass Like That' was much to listen to, but if you're going to be on Mtv 24/7 we'd rather hear you cash in on the immaturity which has made you so popular with spotty GCSE-ers the world over.

And anyway, if you're so concerned about your daughter's well-being then stop riding around limos with under-aged strippers, release a greatest hits cd with a really dull cover that looks exactly like your last two albums, and quit the industry for good. And by 'for good' we mean of course keep producing other artists like there's no tomorrow, embark on countless side-projects with nu-metal idiots in the style of Jaz-y, only to come back with a new outrageously original rap persona when the 'sleeping pills' money has finally dried out.

Good luck with all your future endeavours, however predictable they may be, and thank you for The Marshall Mathers LP.

SPUNK xx

Q-UNIT: 50cent is a big queen

2005-12-02T22:40:00.000Z

Click: http://members.home.nl/visionx/
Bootlegs are back! SPUNK is particularly fond of 'Bohemian Wanksta'.

SPUNK SPINS: Alannah Myles rocks

2005-12-01T19:53:00.000Z

What we've been 'buying' online and listening to this week at SPUNK:

1. Alannah Myles - Black Velvet

2. Girls Aloud - See The Day

3. Kanye West - Heard Em Say

4. Gorillaz - Kids With Guns

5. Charlotte Church - Even God Can't Change The Past (most amazing Charlotte Church song title ever)

SIOBHAN DONAGHY: we heart you so much

2005-12-01T02:46:00.000Z

In our eternal quest for obsolete information regarding our favourite ginger belle, we stumbled across a really appalling, streaming, 3-parter interview from 2004! Click the link below and see a very beautiful Siobhan discuss her leaving Sugababes, her depression, her boyfriend, the meaning behind the song title 'Iodine' (finally!), and how she has twelve aunts and uncles. Twelve!

http://www.chatshow.net/Interviews/interview.aspx?interviewID=48

PS. Special SPUNK credits going out to the monstrous Essex car-crash of an interviewer employed by the good people at chatshow.net and her ridiculous plastic board she forces poor Siobhan to sign at the end.

THE HOFF COVERS MADGE: dear God let this be true

2005-11-30T05:18:00.000Z

From contactmusic.com:

"Former Knight Rider star David Hasselhoff is planning to release a cover of Madonna's 1980s hit single La Isla Bonita. The actor, whose singing talents made him a huge star in Germany, decided to release his latest single for public consumption after being pleased with the outcome after recording it. He says, "It's the one track that gets talked about by my fans, so why not"- "

SPUNK'S AMAZING E-CARDS: now available!

2005-11-30T02:13:00.000Z

DEBBIE HARRY: before bras were invented

2005-11-29T11:38:00.000Z

Goddess. She is a Goddess.

X FACTOR'S SHAYNE WARD: embarrassing school picture

2005-11-29T05:01:00.000Z

Parents! Don't drown your unsightly children!! Shayne Ward is proof that ugly kids often make for attractive adults.

SUGABABES: an investigation

2005-11-29T04:41:00.000Z

First thing's first: Sugababes are an excellent uk pop band, without which the uk pop scene would be a wobbly wobbler. Their 'blend' of intelligent, sexy, urban-pop-music-that-sounds-a-bit-like-dance-music, mixed with their too-cool-for-school attitude and NO SMILES policy secured our interest from the early stages of their career. But as time goes on and the girls grow taller in more ways, we ask: are the albums as good as they used to be? We investigate.

Their amazing first album One Touch was recorded when the girls were only four years old! And it's bloody brilliant. With songs written about their mums, growing up and various sugary fancies of early So Solid estate boys, highlights include first single Overload, title-track One Touch and Look At Me. A definite winner that gets a full 5 Ticks from SPUNK MAGAZINE (one extra Ginger Tick for the Siobhan factor).

Back with a new line-up (boo), Sugababes storm the charts with first single Freak Like Me, which sampled a bunch of other songs in the then very trendy bootleg fashion. Fantastic! Freak was a true pop gem, accompanied by a 'gritty' Sophie Muller video, where the girls play urban vampiresses who seduce So Solid estate boys and kill them, after Keisha and Mutya beat up new band-member Heidi. Besides Freak Like Me, highlights from Angels With Dirty Faces include excellent pop ballad Stronger, Destiny's Child-esque Switch and second single Round Round. Four well deserved Green Ticks.

Third album Three proved just as successful as its predecessor. (Just like its predecessor, however, Three lacked a certain Siobhan quality that we shan't dwell on). First single Hole In The Head was possibly their catchiest to date, subtly sampling previous uk number 1 hit Wamdue Project's King Of My Castle. With sightings of the video for Hole In The Head on America's TRL, the girls and their cash-thirsty team of promoters began what could possibly mark the beginning of a US-focussed strategy that proved detrimental to the Babes' s pop ingenuity. Catastrophe! Highlights from Three include the truly outstanding Situation's Heavy, the slow grower Caught In A Moment and the very dramatic Too Lost In You (who could possibly forget Keisha's bursting "Baby, baby, BAAAAAAAAABY" towards the end of the song). However great an album, some argued that Three contained several fillers. A diagnosis previously avoided on the first two albums... Four Green Ticks.

2005's Taller In More Ways followed on the girls' aforementioned American interest generated by Hole In The Head. Largely produced by Dallas Austin (responsible for many TLC and Blu Cantrell bores), the album lacks the uk grit of their previous 'records'. Highlights are stomper It Ain't Easy, sweet Christina-sings-Beautiful-esque Ugly and brilliant first single Push The Button... but what of the rest of the CD? Well unfortunately not much can be said, besides perhaps that its obvious appeal is geared at Friends-watching, GAP-wearing, pop-hating, hiphop/rnb-compensate-loving Americans with no clue of the true genius contained in those 3.5 British girls. Three Green Ticks resting largely on previous glories.

We at SPUNK can only hope that Sugababes will abandon their quest to conquer the US market, and come back to their genius uk roots. Where they belong. Slightly misunderstood, and always delicious.

HUNG UP: the making of

2005-11-27T22:51:00.001Z

Check out the really quite amazing behind-the-scenes making of Madonna's video for Hung Up by clicking the link below. Also, don't forget the hour-long interview with Dermot tonight, 11.05pm, Channel4.

SPUNK xx

http://video.msn.com/v/en-ca/v.htm?g=97c6b07d-2b34-4600-ac9d-bed4684cbadc,987bad13-51a6-45f2-802e-163c7d48fb04&t=c317&f=37/81&p=ENCAmusic_ENCAvideos

MARY-KATE & ASHLEY: ghv2

2005-11-27T02:27:00.000Z

Greatest Hits? Volume 2? When did this happen?
Clearly us Brits have a lot to learn from the American's far-reaching, capitalist peado market.